In the dashboard of this site there are sixteen new posts partially written just sitting there waiting for me to finish them, edit them and post them. I really should be editing one of those posts so that we can chat about this topic or that topic but I am not. I have religiously been plugging away at writing both on this blog, in my journal and even the novel I am writing for over a month now. I have done an amazing job of balancing my goals as a woman and my duties as a mother. I have been managing my depression much better than I had been doing for the last two years. I really shouldn’t take a day off from my commitment to me but I am and not at the same time. I obviously didn’t take the day off from writing a post but today I just want to talk to y’all openly about what is on my mind.
I just want to enjoy the moment with my family but there are so many things I want to do as a woman that I constantly feel exhausted.
It seems like suddenly my oldest is eleven years old yet I still remember being eleven years old myself like it was just yesterday. Time just flies by and I cannot do anything at all to slow down the process long enough to enjoy today. Well, not if I want to stay on top of doing all the other things I want to do for myself. I’ve learned to slowly let go of trying to do it all at once. I have learned to cut out people and goals that aren’t vital to my happiness. Since doing so my happiness has increased but that ticking clock is getting louder and louder. Time doesn’t seem to be on my side and it is this stress of missing MY time that has me exhausted.
I am happy but exhausted. I am happy but afraid that I am not enjoying the moment enough because in the back of my mind what I want and need to accomplish tomorrow is screaming that tomorrow will be here and gone in an instant. I am happy but exhausted. I am happy but afraid that if I enjoy this moment all the things I want to do will not get done because the list of things I need to do is so long. I am happy but exhausted. I am happy but afraid that this exhaustion is depression trying to sneak in again to slay my win. I don’t want to stop my momentum because in the past that is exactly how depression got in riding on relaxation’s tail. I am happy but exhausted. I am happy but afraid that I am not even really happy because I am so exhausted and afraid of losing my grip on happiness and success.
I really shouldn’t take a day off from my commitment to me but not taking this day off from being the woman with many dreams is what the mother in me needs the most. Tomorrow a new post that I’ve set to auto-post will appear but I won’t be “here”. I am going to take the next three days off from being a woman with goals – one for each of my Kings. I am taking a digital break from all social networks, from answering client emails, from writing, from thinking about my goals, from planning and from anything that isn’t directly related to being their mom. After those three days I know that the woman in me will actually be happier and less exhausted so that she can continue pursuing her goals and I can continue my duality.
© Anaín Bjorkquist April 18, 2011 ~ All Rights Reserved.