That question which I loathe deeply from head to toe. You know. That one. The one that truly shouldn’t be asked. The one that is for me to know. Only.
How many sexual partners have you had?
If you are asking me how many men have penetrated me with their penis then I know exactly how many there have been. It is a number less than my age but pretty damn close to it. I am not ashamed of the number. I won’t publish it publicly. I won’t tell my potential sex partners either. Why? Because it is such a dumb question to ask because really the question how many sexual partners have you had is a vague inquiry.
What counts as a sexual experience?
Should we count only the people which we’ve had sex with that included penetration? Do we count people that we’ve only had oral sex with? What if you were the one on the receiving end of the oral sex, does that count too or does only giving count? What about serious naked make out sessions that involve bumping and grinding? Do those count? Does phone sex count? What about webcam sex? What if you didn’t orgasm? What if there was no penetration but you did orgasm?
Holy VAGUENESS Batman!
There is so much sex to be had! Sexual experiences are so varied. I don’t know what to count anymore. I do know though that the number of penises that have penetrated my vagina have been mentally counted, their owner’s names are known and the acts associated with those experiences can be retold with explicit details. Yup. The penises that were granted penetration access were the end all be all of my sexual number. Until the day that I realized that I had absolutely not a clue of the number of women that I have been with and sadly I don’t know most of their names.
I didn’t count the women! What does that make me?
I’m upset with myself. I’m sadden by the fact that I either didn’t value my experiences with women enough to make a mental note of all of them or I considered sex with women casual maybe even trivial or less than?
What does not counting the number of women I have had sexual experiences with say about me? About the world I was raised in?
Pussy should count too!
Why didn’t I count them? In my defense…well, I don’t have any defense. I could try to justify not counting them or knowing all their names to the fact that much of the sex I’ve had with women has been at sex parties or sex clubs. That really isn’t an excuse because I made sure to mentally record the casual sex I had with men.
I don’t have a defense. There isn’t a justification. I just wonder if my *case* is something that other bisexual women also can relate to especially if they started out as strict heterosexuals?!
I’ve sat. I’ve tried. I can’t recall. It stings.
I should have treated the sexual experiences I was having with women with the same respect that I treated the sexual experiences I was having with men!
But I was. I never have counted any man that hasn’t penetrated me with his penis as part of my number. I’ve also only had oral sex with one man that I haven’t had intercourse with. I don’t count him. I don’t know his name. I also didn’t count his girlfriend – the one that I ate out damn near simultaneously. I don’t know her name either.
Technically, I was using the same guidelines to count the women that I had always used to count the men.
I do remember all the women’s names that I’ve had sex that included penetration with. I have now made them part of my *official* number too.
I want it to all count but more importantly I want it to all be meaningful!
I’ve never been shy about exploring my sexuality. I’ve always been extremely comfortable with fulfilling my desires. I am a fluid open sexual woman. Yet, in the process of letting arousal lead I forgot to make sure that it all was meaningful. I forgot to make sure that it ALL counted! Lost in the exploring I forgot to pause and enjoy long enough to count and remember ALL of it.
I wish I remembered their names. The boys that stirred butterflies in my belly when they looked my way making me want to be wanted for the first times when I was just a teen. The women that stirred butterflies in my belly when they looked my way making me want to be wanted for the first times by other women not long after I turned thirty. The women I’ve pleasured. The women that have pleasured me. And even the men that I almost went all the way with. I wish I hadn’t been so casual about their importance to my sexuality.
Penetration isn’t the only meaningful part of sex and shouldn’t be the only thing that I should have been counting.
But. It. Was. Until. Now.
From this day forward I’m going to be honest about my sex number. A number that I’ll be keeping to myself.
© Anaín Bjorkquist January 10, 2012 ~ All Rights Reserved.