Anaín Bjorkquist

motherhood is hard

i forgive you mom…

…motherhood has taught me better.

my mother & i have a complicated relationship.

for most of my life she was the person who i loved the most. i would have died several times over for her to know true romantic love & personal joy.

yet, at the same time i resented her

…for shattering herself into a million pieces over and over, and over again to stay in a totally blah, empty marriage.

she stayed for the sake of appearances & lack of courage to figure out what would truly make HER happy.

she subjected her children to watching her live a life that was slowly, painfully teaching them that love & joy are only flashes in the pan.

teaching them to seek every which where for love & joy except within.

she was unhappy. she was a martyr.

always telling me, the one daughter she was raising, that she was in the situation that killed her spirit for the sake of her children.

she suffered for me?!

my mother & I have a complicated relationship.

but these days i have open eyes.

i know that my mother didn’t mean to hurt me.

her mother hurt her too. we carry the memories of our ancestors in our genes.

and mine must have been some of the most hurting.

i forgive my mother.

not because we have finished working through all the pain but because with these open eyes i know how hard motherhood is.

these days i decide when to let my mom in or push her out.

i do this with everyone & all things.

because with these open eyes i know that motherhood means putting my own mental health first.

something that mother never ever did.

sometimes i think…

i should have known better.

i spent my entire life watching my mother suffer.

she was the trapped lioness in that five foot by five foot concrete cage.

yet, here i am a mother too.

a mother of three to boot.

most women don’t want to admit that sometimes they want to run far, far away from their children.

to just be left alone for one second.

to allow their thoughts to be about only themselves.

most women don’t want to admit that sometimes when they create that moment of joy that their spirit so needed *BOOM* their child pops up to run away with it.

but i am an awful bad woman.

i am here saying these things.

i am the worst.

but this is all true.

it has to be said.

motherhood is hard.

it isn’t the beautiful Pinterest images some of us long for.

motherhood is living with the pain of our ancestors running through our veins while trying to be our own women and not fucking up our children that we truly love.

and not one mother is perfect.

but if each of us dare to admit that sometimes motherhood hurts…

…that it doesn’t always seem to suit the women we want to be…

…that far too often we don’t recognize the women we’ve become…

…but still we find a way to do our best by our children.

each day we make a choice to do the best by our children and often we fall short.

but on most days though, we are the earth that gently grounds them and they are our sun, moon and stars that uplift us.

i forgive you mom…

…motherhood has taught me better.

for your love i would do anything…

…but first let me love my self so that i can be a better mom.

© Anaín Bjorkquist May 16, 2014 ~ All Rights Reserved.

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