You don’t want to be the one they tell all their secrets to. You don’t want to be that friend that always gets to hear what they wouldn’t tell others. Through the years, I have often been the first person to find out about this or that and although I am great at keeping secrets I don’t seem to be great at keeping the friends that tell me their secrets. I’ve learned that being the confidant puts you in danger of becoming the friend that gets dropped when they want to forget what they’ve said, thought or done. When a friend shares with me some deep dark secret I listen, place their secret deep in my memory never to be shared with anyone else then mark the day that I knew that friendship would end eventually. I have always wondered why these people grow apart from me especially when they trusted me so much. Why are friends quick to drop the friends that they confide in even if the friend has never betrayed their trust?
Does shame cause these secret telling friends to drop me?
After telling someone your secrets that you might have preferred to keep to yourself does a feeling of shame takeover forcing you to want to cut ties in order to forget? Do you feel guilty that this person now really knows you? They know the fact that you may have faltered or that you enjoy something that isn’t part of the norm and that makes you feel shameful as if they see you in a different manner. I know all too well about sharing my secrets then feeling some shame. Believe me there have been times when I have hit publish on a post then felt so ashamed that I put “that” out into the universe. I feel shame but letting it out makes me feel a lot better than keeping it in. If someone cares enough to listen and keep your secret I am sure that they respect you enough to not judge you for it. Don’t let shame cause you to lose a friend that is there for you. Let that friendship help you work through the shame that is normal when we share things most keep hidden.
Does something about me make me that friend folks confide in until they work through their issue?
I have often wondered if there is something about me that makes people so comfortable with me that they share so much of themselves with me and often so quickly. Friend after friend…bombs get dropped in my lap. I have been the friend that others have confided everything from their dreams and fears to their infidelities and sexuality. I have never “told” their secrets but once many of these friends gets to the next phase of their growth I am often not someone they stay in contact with. I am definitely not who they keep around when what they confided is no longer part of who they are. Am I just part of their growth? Not that I would mind being used as a sounding board or vault for their issues or secrets but hey, I’d love to see the next phase of their life just as much as the friends that they didn’t get as close to.
Then I think about my own life and I remember the faces of people that were part of my life during some very dark seasons and I realize…
…Some people are brought into our lives when we need them most so they can help us get through the storm. These people don’t always stay forever but they stay long enough to help us see ourselves in new lights, to show us a better way, to give us honest opinions and to listen to the things some of our “friends” wouldn’t understand. These people that are there for us when we need most knowing that they might not get anything in return are proof that the Celestial Planning Committee works through karma.
You do want to be the one they tell all their secrets to. You do want to be that friend that always gets to hear what they wouldn’t tell others.
I’ve learned that being the confidant puts you in place to receive the same blessing when you need it. I am often frustrated by the fact that so many friends come, unload and go but I know I don’t get to choose if I want to be a confidant or not. I have too much debt to pay off for all the help I have gotten thus far from friends that I’ve unloaded on and somehow lost track of. I am grateful for all the women in my past that have been my rocks even if they are not part of my present. I am grateful for the ability to be that woman for others and I hope that this cycle of good karma for me is never broken.
© Anaín Bjorkquist July 11, 2011 ~ All Rights Reserved.