This post is the third post in a four post series, if you haven’t read Day One’s entry you can do that here.
*** Note *** This post is part of a live experiment. I’m making an attempt to complete NaNoWriMo; the goal is to finish a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. Instead of just writing 1667 words a day and letting it sit on my computer I thought why not share with my readers the first few days of this process. Which leads me to this statement…
…This is unplanned & unedited writing…
…This process scares me and excites me. Let’s see where it goes…
Morning of July 25, 2011
I looked down at my right hip, there was a fat mosquito feasting on me where just a little fleshy skin was exposed. It was busy enjoying a hearty meal when I quickly slapped my hip delivering death to it. I was partially grossed out by how the blood made my skin look sick but I was glad that unlike the fleas in my nightmare this fly I could control. What a nightmare? I had to push it out of my mind. What was going on inside of me that I had lost my sense of center? Yesterday had been a great day right up until that moment when I sat down with my cup of coffee. Yes, that time of day always was when I usually needed to medicate but one day of missing my medication had never caused this much upheaval in my life?
Shaving my hair bald? I hadn’t done something that self-loathing since the time I tried to overdose on diet pills. That was truly a time when I had nothing of my own to fall back on. Recently dropped out of college, my boyfriend of two years telling me he was moving out of our townhouse, and work at the hospital was becoming unbearable on the night shift working with two people that knew absolutely nothing. That was a dark time in my life and when I had found Dr. Wesley; she spent two years helping me find my normal. I was a perfectly balanced woman when I met Erik and he was the perfect addition to my life with his kindness, humor and patience. He was the Valium to my Cocaine – yeah, not the Ying Yang analogy most people use when describing their relationships. He literally was Valium that calmed my Cocaine like soul down helping me suppress my inner demons for the last ten years. That’s exactly why had I no idea what caused me to even think that I had nothing of my own in my life?
I considered myself very fortunate. I hadn’t been able to achieve all the personal goals I had set for myself when I first reached adulthood but unlike many of my friends I had everything I could possibly need in my house. I had a great husband that was handsome, a good father, a hard worker, and was still very sexually attracted to me. I had two healthy smart and handsome sons that loved me very much and never thought twice about telling me about how much they loved me. We had a nice home in a safe suburb where my boys could go to the best schools in the district. We didn’t need for anything although we weren’t rich. Yes, things were very different after I had quit my job to be able to balance the boys’ schedules better and pursue my art, but I still had everything I needed and wanted – right here in this house. I had a lot!
I took a deep breath, got out of bed and headed downstairs to make breakfast and school lunches for my boys. I knew that Erik by now would for sure be at work so, after I got going in the kitchen I would text him about my run and that nightmare so that he could reassure me that I wasn’t going crazy. I knew that wouldn’t be enough reassurance so, I made sure to make a mental note about making an appointment with Dr. Wesley for later that week. I was sure that her office would refill my medication when I called so I would be okay even if I couldn’t get in to see her right away.
I couldn’t lose my mind today! Not on the first day back to school for the boys and my first official day home alone working on my art. When I thought about being home alone I felt a stabbing pain in my gut and I thought back on how “it” had made it very clear at the end of my run that “it” didn’t want or need anything within my four walls. I worried about what kind of mother my boys would find when they got home from school as I watched them enjoy their breakfast. I just needed to hold myself together long enough to drop them off at school – I was sure that by the time I had to pick them up I’d be medicated again. Everything would be okay!
When I dropped off the boys at school my oldest asked if I was okay. That boy always knew when something was off with me. I have never been able to put my finger on how he always knew but a huge part of me feared that the gift of intuITion that usually skipped a generation hadn’t skipped him this time around. Since he was born he always pulled me off the ledge with his sweet smiles, his kind words or random hugs at the perfect moments. Today, when I should have been the one reassuring him that his first day of fourth grade would be great it was him that reassured me that I would have a great day painting at home with the cats and the dog. He even ran back to me to give me one extra hug plus one more, “Mom you’ll be fine!”
As I pulled into our driveway and I stared at the outside of the big empty house it started to morph before my eyes. Dirty ivory color paint covered my house. I rubbed my eyes wondering why I hadn’t been more careful about not letting my medication run out. I looked again but still there before my eyes was this two story house that was once painted white but now was a dirty ivory color and in the upstairs window I saw her again. I fully saw her. An auburn haired woman in a green gown looking out the window her green eyes were indeed jades that the devil himself had crafted. She didn’t see me this time. She didn’t speak. She just stood there looking out the window of my studio. As she came into clearer view with each forceful rubbing of my eyes the more I fully saw her. The more I realized that my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me. The more I feared that “it” had found me and was about to take over me just like it had taken over her long ago. That auburn hair woman was my grandmother in the prime of her youth. That auburn hair woman was my grandmother and I did have her name.
I would be damned if I would take her place by the window. What she had said wasn’t just her paraphrasing words from one of my favorite novels. What she had said to me in my nightmare was a warning. She was warning me that it was my turn to take her place, my time to become a vessel for “it”, just like she had been before me. I fully saw her clearly hearing her message I got out of my car looked up towards the window and waved. She didn’t wave but she smiled causing fear to fully take over my body. As I tried to unlock the front door my hands wouldn’t stop trembling. I thought that there was no way that I could even place the key into the lock when the fear took over and did it all for me.
Fear opened the door. Fear walked me up the stairs. Fear lead me into my studio. Fear sat me on the chaise next to the window but she was no where to be seen. There I was in my studio with fear once again taking over me causing me to do things I would never do if it had been left up to me alone. Inside of me I could feel “it” stirring trying to find a way out. Was I ready for this? Did I want this to be my fate? I had already ignored it for far longer than any woman in my family had before. I had not let “it” take over my life but even the medication had never put it completely to sleep. Medication? I had to call Dr. Wesley’s office to get my medication before I picked up the boys. I had to make sure that even if it was time for all to be revealed that “it” would be at least calm when my sons were home alone with me.
I didn’t think “it” would do anything to them but the dialogue between “it” and I during my run had clearly revealed to me that “it” did not care one bit about everything I had. Would “it” take my oldest son if I didn’t go along with the plan? Was “it” already taking over him since he always knew what was going on even when I worked extremely hard to hide it all from him? I thought back on my pregnancy with him and how unlike the other women in my family I had not made a deal with “it” to be a duel vessel so that I could become a mother. I thought back on how that entire time I feared that his life would be stripped from within me because I had been too stubborn to accept my fate. I thought about how I had feared that he would become part of “it’s” plan. I leaned back into the chaise stared at the blank canvas that I set out to work on today. The emptiness of the canvas overtook the fear as my mind drifted.
Colors rushed my thoughts. Bright reds, blues, greens, then yellows – yellows turned into faces. The faces rushed past me. One by one they ran through my thoughts. I tried to push them back and out of my mind. I knew that this is how it all started. The faces rushing until I would recognize one. My body released gentle sobs, tears flowed, fear took over and the faces rushed past but luckily I knew none of them. The carousel of faces continued flowed by colors again until my body exhausted fell into a deep sleep.
***the story continues here***
© Anaín Bjorkquist November 3, 2011 ~ All Rights Reserved.