What follows is the transcript of my journal entry from December 31, 2010. I have not written in my journal since that day because instead I wrote here. I guess I am sharing it because it was this journal entry that gave me the strength to share more than I thought was possible with strangers.
I was very weak then but not so much these days. The power I have found in candor is endless and incredible. If it hurts my advice to you is write it down and let it go.
“When I took another leap of faith”
In eight days it will be January 8, 2011 and I will be thirty-four years old or young depending on how full the glass is that day. I am not yet doing what I want to be doing. I am not yet the mother I wish to be and I have not yet taken the leap it will take to be doing these things. As changes occurred in my marriage, as I went from major breadwinner to Housewife the power shifted and so did the plight of my dreams.
I no longer see myself working in a hospital touching people’s lives but I do see myself changing them. So, as the year comes to an end and another calendar closes there is hope at my door…
…Knocking and as I open this door, I realize that for hope to continue on this journey with me I must regain the power in my household and slowly let the door close on my marriage. I am meant to write, speak and demonstrate to other women who have lived my struggle that just because there aren’t any open doors, it doesn’t mean we can’t use a window. Motherhood might be for us but marriage doesn’t have to be part of our plan.
Truly, don’t know how I am *here* because thirteen years ago *this* was not *my* plan. Thirteen years ago, my life took a left turn just as I thought I would go right – what followed was a wild roller coaster ride full of vivid highs and violent lows. So, what will the next thirteen years hold for me?
I am going to need to get off this ride. I am going to have to get back to being the anal retentive control freak that I am. It isn’t time to bother with the feelings of others. It isn’t time to continue to lie to him, myself, or much less our children. Our oldest just turned eleven and soon will be able to see through my facade. I must get busy building something, anything behind this facade before it comes tumbling down.
Mudslides expected in this area while building – must build a strong foundation of stilts. Let the mud slide past without taking me with it.
He wants to work on our relationship and I want to tear it down so that I can put it out with the trash in manageable pieces. I want to work on our family – not our relationship – that is the roller coaster I am leaping off of. Hoping for a soft landing in a bush but since presently it happens to be on a high loop I know jumping will
hurt more take more energy and hitting the ground will hurt more than ever.
Once I do hit bottom I intend to start running. What will that feel like I wonder?
It has been sometime since I really ran and gave anything my all. Living dead, half-ass, daydreamer, underachiever – those are the roles I’ve played as of late. Plus, door mat. On me many have wiped their feet because I decided to place myself there.
As this year comes to an end – I know what won’t come with me into the new year. These aren’t resolutions or lists of must do’s there are my current truths.
I am focused on finding time to do what is needed of me to create the happiness my children and I deserve. I am focused on creating my niche then nesting. In my focus – within my blinders – there aren’t any of those things that I know shouldn’t be there. I have banned speaking or writing about them.
I am going to take some much overdue advice. A long time ago, well about seve years ago, a friend told me to not tell *him* what I was going to do instead just do it. That’s exactly what I am going to do. I can’t give notice of my moves before I make them. I am also going to apply this theory to my writing, goals, and even my parenting. No more warnings!
If I decide to swerve they better learn to sway because it isn’t time for me to be careful with the hearts and minds of others.
And this is how my love affair with living began again. This how I became active and how I took the leap of faith! I know how great living feels and I want to live for ME while being a great mother to my sons, while teaching them to be Kings. If the lows of the last thirteen years has taught me anything it was that being mediocre is painful. I don’t want my sons to live with the pain of mediocrity. I don’t want them bound by fear.
FEAR! My mother’s greatest lesson. A paralyzing fear of the new, the unconventional, the daring and of living for yourself. A fear which she passed on to me unknowingly maybe unwittingly. A fear that I did not truly know was there until I became a mother. Eleven years ago as I held my newborn son, I promised him to be a better mother than the one I had and in many ways I have failed him. I hope I can make it up to him in the next seven years before he becomes a man. His brothers are still reachable but I don’t want to fail any of them.
I am letting go of fear and to do that the leap of faith involves trying new things. 2011 the year I will conquer the physical!
Well, that’s what I have for now. About to go make things right by me and my children. It is 0547 and the power of tomorrow starts now!
© Anaín Bjorkquist December 2, 2011 ~ All Rights Reserved.