This January I wrote this piece as my way of venting but also stepping back from the situation I was experiencing. I wanted to ask myself if sex was more important to me than all the other things that my relationship offered. Sex and affection in general ARE very important to me. I know that my love language clearly is affection. I want to be touched, caressed, held, kissed, fondled, fucked, made love to and I also want the words of love that come with all that. I want to be thanked for my devotion, loyalty and hard work that I do within my relationship and for what I do for our children. I want him to do all this without me having to pout or for there to go days, weeks or months before we reconnect; sensually and sexually.
How do I talk to my partner about the fact that I need sex and affection that he isn’t providing?
You have to remember I am the woman that doesn’t give advice so I can only tell you about what I have been going through since January or longer really. Having children really changed the sex in my marriage. Having financial problems really changed the sex in my marriage. Having depression really changed my marriage. The Swinging we did really changed my marriage but mostly me. Sex is something that changes with time IF you don’t fight with yourself and your partner to keep it right. So how do you tell your partner?
You first should really look within yourself to make sure it isn’t you that has changed. Is it you? Did you change but maybe you haven’t accepted that yet? It is a hell of a lot easier to place blame than to figure out how you changed the equation. 1 + 1 but what if one of those 1s has changed their value up? For me I realized that Swinging caused a tremendous change about what I wanted and needed sexually. That had nothing to do with my marriage but now I had to figure out how the change in me could be worked to fit within my marriage.
It isn’t just me! My partner also…
Hey, I know! Even after we search within ourselves and work on that we still might have more work to do. Remember that communication thing? One of the conversations I had with my partner was about how much he took for granted the intense sexual attraction I feel for him. Just because looking at him and thinking about our sensual connection might get me wet and ready in seconds without him having to do any work doesn’t mean I don’t need or want foreplay. In fact, for a woman like me that thinks that everything that happens between a couple between sexual liaisons is part of the sensual experience what he isn’t doing in the bedroom will determine my reaction to him in the bedroom.
We after more than a decade together and having tried it all are still trying it all again. What we are trying to work on the most is our communication. Part of that communication is being honest about what we need as individuals. Believe me more than a decade into a relationship, three children later and all the other stuff that comes with life can make you forget that you are a person outside of your marriage and your children. Giving yourself a gentle reminder about the fact that you have needs (sexual and otherwise) because you ARE a woman and that talking about them is key to keeping it all together sometimes is very important.
You MUST speak up before things get worse. Before it ALL piles up on top of you!
Yes, it would be so much better if our partners could read our minds? No. No it wouldn’t be. Not in my case at least. But seriously, initiate more and gently remind your partner that you are still so very into sex. The blaming type of conversations have never worked for us. I can say though that after more than a decade, three kids and some my very severe depression I finally see a light guiding us again because I spoke up.
I spoke up about EVERYTHING that the woman in me needed from myself, from him and even our children. Letting him know what I needed ESPECIALLY beyond our sexual relationship helped us become closer sensually then sexually. Saying to him that there were expectations of what I needed from kids in regards to school and helping me around the house helped us as a sensual couple. Too many mothers forget that speaking up about the little things can fix the biggest problems they are experiencing. Yes, I know what it feels like to be completely at the end of my rope barely holding on. Let me tell you how much longer that rope felt when I saw he and our boys had cleaned the kitchen while I took a nap! A nap that I told him I needed because my day dealing with clients and homeschooling had been HELLISH!
Parenthood and Sex.
That leads me to how the people that I love most in this world changed the woman-in-me’s world forever! Before having kids many couples are lucky enough to enjoy very close and free sensual/sexual connections but add just one infant and you’ll notice things change at least some. What do you do after the baby comes along? You still try to work some of that closeness in and some of that freedom too. Ladies, please don’t wait for him to understand that you are still that sensual woman that he had to marry just to make sure he could enjoy her forever. Yes, it was so awesome when my husband wasn’t worried about a child running from around a corner to catch him feeling on my ass. Yes, it was a lot better when he felt that it was okay to take me anytime anywhere within our home but things change so change with them. Don’t sit in bed crying for days or try to convince yourself that he doesn’t find you sexy anymore or else he’d be lusting you more takeover your beautiful mind. Fatherhood can scare the hell out of many men and it might make them freeze in their sensual tracks causing sex to slow down.
Your sex and sensuality are yours! Use them to your advantage…
Initiate! Initiate like hell.
Reconnect with him by kissing him randomly in the kitchen and tell him you miss those times when he couldn’t get enough of you. When you are holding that perfect baby that you made together smile at him. Look at him directly in the eyes and tell him, “I can’t believe that our love created this perfect child!” I bet you he will smile and remember the woman you were before you became the mother of his child. It is VERY okay to remind him from time to time that Mommy is still a dirty girl. ::blushes:: Gentle words work very well for some. That whole bees with honey thing? Yes, it works at least for me with my guy. ::whips up another batch of honey::
I hope you speak up; gently or not. I hope you guide your partner back into your sensuality. I hope that together you get back to creating a life of endless days filled with sex, love and joy!
Thought I’d leave y’all with one of “our” songs. I hope that after another decade he and I are still beating the odds together…cause ain’t nothing better!
From my heart to yours!
© Anaín Bjorkquist September 28, 2011 ~ All Rights Reserved.