Anaín Bjorkquist

as man & woman

I never found one Disney princess I could relate to as a child. Not one. I didn’t play with dolls either. My childhood games were all imagination and heart. Theatrical works written one act at a time in which I always was my own hero. Then one day in the sixth grade I heard Karyn White sanging “Superwoman”. Yes! I said sanging…she was sanging the shit out of that song. While many of my girlfriends SANG that song most didn’t understand the meaning behind it. My mother was a Superwoman let down by her knight in shining armor. So, I felt it in my heart, I understood, I stopped where I was emotionally and I sang it loud…

I’m the kind of girl that can treat you so sweet / But you’ve got to realize / That you’ve got to be sweeter to me / I need love, I need just your love

…When I should be growing emotionally…well, I just stopped. Living the life that I saw in front of me which was one of pain and grief. I didn’t run from my mother’s mistakes I jumped into the potholes her vessel left before me in the road of life. My mother never spoke of happy endings, she never tucked me into bed, she promised that he would never ride up on a horse and that girls like me weren’t made wives.

Reality was always in view…I never lived life in paradise…my expectations were always kept incredibly low.

Sweet love would always change and go away until the day he came and gave good love to me.  But my story already had a hero (me) which left little room for a man to play the role of protector or bring me joy. Small feminine woman assuming his gender role…emasculating him because that was all I had ever seen a woman do.

I ripped from his chest the right to lead although I professed out the side of my neck that I’d ride for him…

…Sure. I’d ride as long as I was the one choosing the path, navigating and passenger seat driving the vehicle. I was woman he heard me ROAR! All of my actions often led us off course but worst of all they drove him to walk away from his role until he stood his ground stepped out of our car. Down came the vanity mirror in which I took a good and long enough look at myself until I accepted that it was me that needed to change. As I changed he changed. As he changed I changed even more. What was to be my role? I no longer had to solve everything – he had it. He hadn’t come on a white horse but he was moving mountains to stay at my side. I just didn’t know how to be a heroine standing beside a hero. I made excuses for my inadequacy and blamed him…

…Too little too late I told him. Too little too late even though I had been the one all along breaking him down…emasculating him.

Resentment lived between us. It grew and had a baby…Apathy. Comfortable is what we became with the emptiness. An emptiness so gigantic that mere mortals could never fill it…

…so, I ask you God if it is meant to be…

…please fill it so that we can travel that road once again together…

…as man and woman.

© Anaín Bjorkquist March 28, 2011 ~ All Rights Reserved.

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