Anaín Bjorkquist

romantic allure of suicide

Death eventually comes for each and all of us. For some of us it will come peacefully in the night on a night so far into our days that once our family and friends hear of our passing they will comment on what a long life we lived. For others death will be the final gift from a debilitating disease that just wanted to keep on giving. Some will meet death unexpectedly through some unforeseen accident that takes their life before it was time. Death seems to operate on a schedule that he reveals to no one but then again there are those of us that cheat death the pleasure of pulling the life out of us by doing it on our own terms. For some people suicide is the only way out…

The pain of everyday life is just too much

Sometimes problems overwhelm us and usually the overwhelming starts off simply enough. One tiny little issue plus one slightly bigger just when you have almost reached a solution please add one or two or maybe even three more ten times bigger than that last one. This scenario isn’t a unique experience that we are feeling for the first time because life seems to always throw more than what we can handle our way. At the end of your rope once again holding on with calloused hands that are now starting to bleed in new spots. There you are hurting badly once again. You live in pain and anguish. Why does it always have to be like this?

I’m so tired of fighting life for a chance to live an average happy life. I’m so tired of the pain. I just want to not feel anything…anymore.

I have been there before. Attempted to down bottles of pills to just make the pain go away. Had my stomach pumped in an effort to reverse the damage I had tried to inflict. Doctors I had to convince that I would be okay in order to be released from a facility. I have been there more than once but seriously made an attempt to kill myself – that I did only once. Thirteen years ago when I had hit another huge low instead of giving in to the romantic allure of suicide I asked for help from professionals, family and friends with dealing with my pain.

It took courage to tell an Air Force doctor that if I went home that night I knew I’d hurt myself. There wasn’t anything romantic or alluring about the tears rolling down my face as I asked the doctor to admit me to the psychiatric ward at the hospital I worked at. It hurt when my friends and coworkers saw me in the chow line with an admission band around my wrist in line among the patients there for psychiatric reasons. In the four days that I spent admitted to the hospital I learned that there were people with different mental problems than mine. Meeting and getting to know a brilliant guy with Schizophrenia made me appreciate my grasp on reality. Meeting a young mother of two that cut herself and couldn’t stop made me realize I really didn’t want to hurt myself much less die.

The romantic allure of suicide has to be stripped away!

Depression makes many of us feel like our problems aren’t manageable. When we are hit by problems hard, especially in an unexpected moment, those of us with depression tend to forget that life isn’t always bad. In those moments where life is pressing down hard on us keeping us under it’s boot we forget about the beauty that is living. In those moments checking out forever seems peaceful…no more problems, no more pain, no more fighting and no more crashing. Telling life to fuck off and choosing to die at our own hands seems a lot more romantic than battling with life for it to eventually lead to death anyway. But there is something that those of us that deal with depression that often flirt with suicidal thoughts forget about suicide…

…It is very permanent problem that has no solution. There is nothing romantic or alluring about our loved ones being left behind to deal with the mess we would leave for them by choosing to take our own lives. We aren’t solving their problems by removing ourselves from this world. What we are doing is adding more by not trusting them enough to share the load of what is bothering us and instead killing ourselves…even trying to do so creates a hole in their hearts. There is so much more romantic allure in knowing that each of us has someone that cares enough to listen to our problems even if we think we don’t. Even for those that don’t have a soul around to listen all it takes is one phone call to, 1-800-273-8255, for someone to listen and yes, they will understand.

Death is the ending that awaits us all but suicide is a tragic preventable ending that you should never chose. From where I squirm today once again underneath life’s just stepped in dog shit boot I can say, I’d rather be here fighting life than having chosen a bottle of champagne and a bottle of pills last night. Suicide would take this pain away but with it the chance to see my children live happier lives than my own would also leave. When the pain of everyday life is too much sometimes what we need is a nap, a jog, a screaming match with ourselves and life, a great cry, or even a good session with a punching bag at the gym. Life kicks us all down and I can’t tell you when you or I will get up again but as long as we don’t choose to give in to the farce that is suicide we have the option of being up again.

© Anaín Bjorkquist April 25, 2011 ~ All Rights Reserved.

Previous Post Next Post

You Might Also Like