Had a poignant conversation today with a new friend that I trust very much. A new friend that trusts me too. We have been confiding all sorts of things. We started sharing our dreams for our careers and we’ve moved to talking about our childhoods and mothers. My friend is beautiful on the outside but especially on the inside. My friend is balanced. My friend is smart. My friend is ambitious. My friend has it together. My friend is absolutely going places. I wish I was more like her but I am so extremely happy for her because the last thing I want is company in my misery. My friend is the me I could have been had I sought therapy and made better choices.
I should find a reason to hate her or wish her harm but there is nothing more incredible and motivating than seeing what could be. I am so great at seeing what could be but so devastatingly weak. I am powerless and I am a coward. I am afraid of doing the one thing that I know I need more than anything and that is finally finalizing my divorce. I am trapped in an unhappy but content marriage and my children are trapped with me. I saw this coming. I saw this coming but I continued to make bad choices. I saw this coming but I continued to stay thinking that since he does love me in his own way someday it would be good for me…too.
It wasn’t always this way. I am sure that a great deal of the blame should be placed on me. I am sure that this all boils down to not dealing with bad choice after bad choice I made before I ever even got into this relationship more than a decade ago. I am sure that I could have walked away the first time I knew better than to stay but by then I had already started making excuses for him, for me and then our children. And the story goes…
- I can’t leave him. He would have nothing and nobody to help him. I’ll make him stronger and then see what happens from there.
- Things will get better when we (fill this blank with a move, a new job, a new state, fill it with anything but the truth – aren’t together anymore).
- I’ll leave when my son(s) is/are (x years old) he/they will understand better then.
- I can’t leave now because my sons understand and now the oldest is threatening me that he will always hate me if I divorce dad.
- I can’t leave because I will mess up my children forever.
- I shouldn’t leave because I know he loves me even if it isn’t the way I need.
…And the story continues because I am too weak, too stupid, too scared to take the step to finalize something that has been a long time coming. I sit in this roller coaster car strapped in and all I can do sometimes is scream as life passes me by. Then again this all could be in my head because nobody around me sees what I see. They see a happy family and a handsome man that most any girl would want. They see someone that provides for his family very well. They see a wife and children that do not want for anything material. They see the beautiful facade that I painstakingly maintain with my pain, suffering and tears as the mortar.
And nobody sees me cry. Nobody sees when I roll towards him in bed and ask him how he feels or share my dreams and his response involves talking about some new material thing that he wants or how unhappy he is with the last one he got. Nobody sees or hears me cry after he goes to sleep with his back turned to me. But I stay and I am so not brave that I can barely post this my virtual cry. Yet, I know I am not alone. Watched my mother suffer. Became my mother. I thank God that I don’t have a daughter. But if I stay I know I will mess up my sons but if I go I know I will mess them up too.
So. I stay. I keep myself trapped in an unhappy marriage with kids and I figure out new ways to torture myself each day. The newest way is thinking that I should follow this dream of writing instead of finishing that Nursing degree. I am a trapped woman not strong enough to leave and torturing myself with 4am wake ups to follow a dream and still be the mother that my sons and he expect of me.
And this is how I feel right now. I wonder what it feels like to be the girl that along the way figured out that her mother was not really her friend. I wonder what it feels like to make the right choices one at a time until you’ve built a string of small successes along the way and now there is a jackpot ahead. I wonder how that all feels. My friend shares her ups and downs with me and through her I am seeing what it feels to be that girl. So, when she calls and she tells me about someone trying to get her off path all I can do as the girl that knows what a bad choice looks like…all I can do is tell her to stay on path. I cannot wait until she completes her next project because when she makes it there will be one less woman living unfilled.
Now. I am going to reluctantly hit post without reading this or editing it. This is how I feel and my feelings have errors.
© Anaín Bjorkquist July 14, 2011 ~ All Rights Reserved.