Anaín Bjorkquist

when it all blows up

This week the Celestial Planning Committee wants me to practice what I preach.

And it has been incredibly hard to do just that. Literally, that’s all I’ve been trying to do this week.

Well, not really. This week I of course did tons of other things but most of my energy has been going to thinking about how to embody the lessons I teach my clients because this week almost everything that could go wrong has. And my horoscope promised a super great month?!

This week I’ve had a hard time being a good mom…

My almost ten year old is testing ALL his boundaries.

I’ve had to have really tough conversations with my fifteen year old about #blacklivesmatter for him to usually respond “nothing will ever change.” Had a heart-wrenching conversation with him about why people call men and women with super strong boundaries assholes or bitches (more on this in my next post).

Thank the CPC for my middle son picking up that I was feeling extra raw and showing me more appreciation and love than ever.

Then on the business front I’ve watched something close to my heart just go up in flames and I’ve hesitated pulling the trigger on what needs to be done with that.

I can’t seem to find the energy to dedicate to a project that deserves all my love because it is so hard to pour out good when you feel nothing but emptiness.

But this too shall pass.

These hard weeks always make me feel absolutely grateful for the days full of ease. And these tears that are running down my face feel like last night’s rare Bay Area thunderstorm feel – cleansing and spectacular because of their rarity. Yes! I think that having a good deep cry from time to time is vital to letting go of the pain.

These awful weeks used to be my everyday.

This looking up from an absolutely empty well yet still giving because that is your nature and searching for a hint of aliveness in the tiniest joy. This. USED. To. Be. My. EVERYDAY!

But it no longer is. The fucking nothing will not win because I have five reasons why depression will not ever win!

And the first one is…ME!

Even through this toughest week ever, I know in my core, that I am everything I say I am because being those things are my priority.

I am a woman that has beat depression because I LIVE regardless of depression.

I am a woman that chooses pleasure over perfection because it is my path to ease when I am overwhelmed.

I am a woman that has created everything after being given absolutely nothing.

And if you can take anything from this I hope that it is this…

Don’t fucking give up because you “staying in the game” enrages all the forces fighting hard to knock you out.

And you’re not crazy thinking that on this planet there are people that don’t want you to win because evil and miserable people really do exist. If there weren’t then magazines wouldn’t make millions trying to showcase all the “troubles” of the rich and famous.

Say it with me, “I am going to win! Without help. Without validation. Without permission. I am going to win. I am the hero of this story… I don’t need to be saved.”

I swear I am going to win this battle with motherhood and all the other battles too.

And that’s all for today, Beautiful One! Thank you for reading.

This little blog has been saving my life since 2009. And I hope that at the very least it helps you feel a little less lonely.

Fuck depression & overwhelm.

© Anaín Bjorkquist August 7, 2015 ~ All Rights Reserved.

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