killing the sadness: why mother had to go

This year has been the year in which I finally killed all the sadness inside of me and replaced it with peace and confidence. It has been an amazing year in which I can’t say that I have accomplished all the great things I set out to finish but the healing that has happened for me in 2012 has surpassed any goal I could of dreamed.

I never dreamed that I would feel whole, at peace, perfectly sure of myself in my own skin or truly happy with everything that I have and confident that I could create more happiness.

Feeling fulfilled is not something that I had known that I was capable of because I thought I had to live with depression forever. On top of my depression, I thought I had to figure out how to save my mother and help her create happiness because the dysfunctional upbringing she provided me was all about shaming me for wanting to create my own world of happiness and success. No matter how far I went I never truly dared to go too far from mother or her ways.

The most dysfunctional relationship in my life has always been the one I have with my mother.

But I should really say had because, I have cut my mother out of my life.

Sitting over dinner with a friend that I think I could so easily grow to love for everything he is I declared for the first time before another human being that I had cut my mother off.

And his response was, “Anaín!”

I told him that it was for many great reasons and as we settled into the rest of our conversation I thought that the mother he had just been defending would never ever think of him as a person. She would judge him and would despise me for loving anything about someone that was queer. My mother would especially shame me for the heartache that my sexuality is/has/will cause my husband and possibly my children and she would find a way to blame “my ways” on anyone/anything other than me.

As I sat there trying to eat, my friend explained that soon he would fully come out to his mother for the other things that he has never discussed with her and I told him that with my family I would NEVER do that. We talked about what would happen if our mothers read about us on the internet and he made it clear he wanted to spare his mother that or worse yet someone else telling her first. Once, that had been a fear of mine but not anymore.

If you raised me you should know me, love me, accept me and be my ally!

But you aren’t any of these things are you mother?

My father isn’t these things either.

Yet, he is a less vocal enemy.

When you know that your parents, family or people that raised you won’t know you even if you desperately explain yourself to them is it worth explaining anything to them? I say no. If you as an adult can choose who you allow to occupy space in your thoughts why give any fucks about people that cause you grief and pain? Why? Just because they gave you life?

In my last conversation with my mother she asked what problem she had created for me that was so bad that I could hate her enough to cut her out of my life for good.

I told my mother that I was that problem she had caused me. That my life was the entirety of the problem she had created. I told my mother that I had spent all my days as an adult and much of my childhood learning how to live with the pain of being her child.

Killing the sadness meant she had to go. Forever. Or until she can learn to be there for me in the role that I want her to play.

As a child I learned that parents that are busy being unhappy, fighting one another, barely making ends meet, don’t know the language of the country they live in, don’t understand the new country’s customs, that were abused as children themselves, and so many other things that I could (insert here) don’t make very good parents. They make awful parents that end up damaging their children and creating problems for their children.

I am a full-fledged adult just like both of my parents were when they CHOSE to give me life and NOT break the abuse cycle.

But I am a different kind of  full-fledged adult…

I am the kind that chose to have children of my own and choose peace, happiness, prosperity, laughter, love, my sexuality and the family that I created before all else and for those to be at their best, mother had to go.

Peace in my heart and home has killed the sadness…

& I finally know that I am my own hero…

& I guess it doesn’t matter now mother that you needed me more than I needed you!

xo, Anaín