I was going through birthday party decorations. So, happy thinking about how many smiles will be put on the faces of my two youngest sons on their upcoming birthdays. DIII on September 3rd and DII on September 10th. Then I got to thinking what should I get my lil brother for his birthday September 8th and that’s when I began to lose it.

The day that always meant so much to me because it’s the day when God gave me the gift of a lil brother to accompany me. That day forever “tainted” with the birth and death of my ONLY daughter. I started to think maybe this year, maybe this year I will be “strong” enough to release her ashes. Then the tears just came. That sense of loss. That question again…why did she have to be taken away?

I’ve often looked for answers. I’ve often thought that life is not fair. I’ve often thought that maybe that is the ONE pain I am just NOT strong enough to EVER get over.

God, what would she have been like? What would my beautiful daughter have been like at thirteen? God, what is she like? I know someday I’ll get to see her face and call her name but today, I am a lil angry again and very sad because you took MY Isabel Grace.

All I have are her ashes…

There is a void in my heart

All I have are her ashes…

There is no way I can let go of those!

As, I sit here and type and cry I know that God you’ve given me so much. My THREE beautiful, so very smart and witty boys but can’t Mommy still miss her? I can but the mourning can’t take over like it usually does every September 8th. It can’t paralyze me with fear like it did both times I was pregnant in September fearing one of them would be born on the 8th.

I think of the woman you recently put in my path God. A woman who lost her mother because she could not get over the loss of a child. A woman who grew up without her mom. A woman so kind that she shared her story with me. I heard her pain and I can’t do that to my boys.

I think of the woman (Heather) that for many years I admired for doing it ALL. A woman who is a much better mother, entrepreneur and much more convicted in her faith than I am. A woman who too had a stillborn. A woman so kind that she shared her story with all via her blog. I heard her pain and I know I too can do better.

I think of the woman you took from me God. A woman who only lived in this mother’s imagination. A woman who would have been. A woman who could have been. A woman so kind that she was too great for this world. I hear her voice…she tells me that she’s never felt pain for she is an angel. She is so much better with you God than me.

I thank you God for giving her to me even if it was for just those months.

As the sun rises here it lifts my hopes…I think maybe the most fitting gift for my brother, who has it all and can get himself anything he wants, would be a gift for his beautiful daughter.

Will I be releasing Isabel Grace’s ashes this September 8th? No.

Will I ever? Probably not, I think I will ALWAYS be missing Isabel Grace too much for that.

xo, Anaín