The day I discovered that it was fear holding me back. But it wasn't the fear of failure or fear of success...
For years, it was so incredibly easy for me to share all the struggles I had experienced here on this site. It never scared me to talk about my life-long depression. Not. One. Bit. I wasn’t afraid of telling all the ugly truths that had occurred in my marriage or how awful sex had become for us. I wasn’t even afraid of being honest about how I often failed as a mom or that sometimes motherhood came with all the tears.
And when people would say I was brave or ask how I could be so vulnerable on the internet, I didn’t understand. I was just writing through past pains so that I could stay woke enough to not fall into all that mess that had once been my present. It became easier to make the right choices when I could go back and read about all the beautifully bad ones. And he started reading my writing and he saw my side of our story with new eyes.
And I’d love to say magic happened but…
That would be a big fat lie. Real work + healing happened for both of us. We stepped into this work as sexual autonomous beings committed to doing marriage and parenthood together.
Maybe then a tiny bit of magic happened but really it was all the laughter.
I was busy…living my truths. Healing all the wounds. Building a beautiful life.
Without knowing just living turned into thriving, even when things became difficult. I saw for the first time what it felt like to have everything I needed and so much of what I wanted. Even when I was in the midst of dealing with physical illness I never felt like I was losing; I had learned how to fail forward.
But of course everything became even better after all my surgeries because when you have all the Sex Love Joy your heart desires + kinship, a life’s purpose and all things nourishing…you can fly!
And now I am stalling because telling you this is so incredibly difficult because I once thought I was so completely fearless.
But I am not fearless. I have one really huge fear that was programmed into me that I only recently recognized. A fear that kept me from speaking up when things were better than good. A fear that didn’t allow me to be honest with myself about wanting more because I had so much already. A fear that kept me from embodying one of my core values…grace.
And I am still stalling because it very much hurts to know that this fear kept me playing small for far too long & it caused me to fail you.
I broke our agreement to always be honest about my journey and for this I apologize. So, no more stalling…here it comes some long overdue honesty…
After I had healed the wounds, I still allowed them to penetrate my soul with one very limiting should as I lived my beautiful life.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."
That is a piece of scripture that you’ve probably heard many times over, said in different variations. It is a piece of scripture that has some truth to it…
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy…
Most definitely yes! Anyone that I love can tell you that my love is patient & kind. I work hard to love others with as much patience and kindness as possible, even when they make it hard to love them.
And where there is love there is no room for envy. This is a fact.
Up to the part about envy everything in me would light up when I heard or read this quote.
…it does not boast, it is not proud.
This part of it always made my body feel like it was shrinking, retreating and full of shame.
This programming had developed within me a shit ton of deeply rooted fear + anxiety.
What was I afraid of?
I was afraid that if in my writing, I included the stories about the good times or if when I taught I spoke about how great things had become that BOOM bad things would happen.
I was anxious anytime that my life got too great. I would blame myself anytime that I had shared the good then something bad happened after. But mostly, I lived with this fear and anxiety that bad shit was going to happen IF I was too loud or proud about this beautiful life I had created.
This fear crept in so deep that I unknowingly was turned off by sharing photos on social media, I would think twice before sharing a “positive” status update and it made me think that I didn’t have anything to write about because nobody wants to read about the good things.
And then while I was working hard BOOM bad shit happened anyway.
Because bad things are always going to happen.
If you live long enough, you will experience things that will require you to use all your courage, strength and love of life to overcome.
But I already knew this. I had already mastered this. I was PRO at working my way through all the mess to come out of it better than before with at least one awesome lesson learned and a really cool “soul scar” to remind me of how amazing I am.
As this last round of bad shit was almost over and done with I sat with those questions we all ask ourselves when we are going through trying times…
“Why me? Why now? What is the lesson in this?”
I sat with those questions during yet another very hard time in our lives when he and I had made all the right choices, not been boastful or proud of our love yet there we were in super tough times.
Those questions made the fear bubble up…
You are afraid that if you talk about the good it will be taken from you.
You are afraid that if you are honest that you want more that what you’ve worked so hard to create will be no more.
So, I talked to him about how I knew it was wrong to hold back in my writing and teaching because of fear.
And he said to me, “You can’t be afraid to write about the good. Just because writing made all the bad go away doesn’t mean the good will be taken from you. It doesn’t work that way.”
I said, “I know but I’m afraid to lose what means the most to me…our love and peace. What if…”
And he said to me, “It doesn’t work that way. Stop being so superstitious. God or the Universe or whatever isn’t going to punish you for sharing what is your truth especially when you aren’t harming anyone.”
He went about doing what he had been doing and I sat with the questions a little longer.
Why me? Why now? What is the lesson in this?
Because being silent about the good shows lack of gratitude.
And that is the entire truth.
Staying silent about the good in our lives does show a lack of gratitude.
Yet, many of us were made to believe that if we speak up about the good it will be taken from us because love is not boastful or proud?!
That is complete bullshit! Something had to have been lost in translation.
Regardless of how much pain or hell you went through before finding peace and love in your life you should never fear telling others about the good.
If your life has been especially rough and you find yourself finally experiencing a bit of heaven on Earth, share with everyone that will listen that it does get better.
If you have a great life but still want more…dare to dream. Claim it. Speak it into the Universe and start working towards it.
To push past this fear here is what I am doing (and you can too)...
Whenever my heart is full & my gratitude for the love or joy or any positive emotion I am experiencing is overflowing I say this mantra…
Thank you! Thank you! I am so grateful for this moment. I want more of this. I am so grateful that I must share this with the world.
And right after I post an update or share a photo of the moment via social media.
Why? Because I have to let go of the thought that there is an all powerful being that wants to punish me for loving my life too much.
I worked hard for this life. It took me years to figure out how to let go completely when falling apart so I could come together better than ever.
So, what sense does it make to hold on too tightly to the good? None!
Tell your truths. Talk your shit! Especially when you are at your best!
This week on Sex Love Joy...
Speaker, coach and consultant Leela Sinha talks with me about all things pleasure. From pleasure being our first knowing and how clothes should feel to movement being pleasure and her desires that make her feel guilty. Towards the end she dives deep into the word intensive as a noun; a definition, way of living and coaching that she is developing. If you want more pleasure this episode gives you all the permission you need to attain it.
Guest Bio: Leela loves pleasure and loves intensity, and thinks, like much of life, they are better together. She helps intensives thrive by claiming pleasure as their core and growing a life from there.
She also loves mangoes, chocolate ganache, dancing in warm rain, swimming in the ocean, velvet, sandwashed silk, exquisite meals, long moonlit cuddles, trees, and connecting with people.