find a happy place

Having feelings of wanting to run far far away. Feeling completely restless. So incredibly restless that I cannot study or get much done on the novel that I should be editing or the reading I need to do for this or that. The feelings of restlessness are quickly followed by anger and I don’t like myself when I become that person. The anger is followed by an emptiness and overbearing feelings of guilt. I don’t know what to do to make these feelings go away.

I know that I’ve hit a wall. A big wall that is going to take a lot of work to break through. I know exactly where the disconnect is within me and I also know what the internal and external things I need to change to make my life flow again are. *Seeing* the problems clearly doesn’t make them any better, any easier or any less painful. Sometimes in the seeing is where the most pain resides; where feelings have the most power and I don’t know what to do to make these feelings go away!

Hell yeah it hurts when you realize what the fuck is wrong with yourself or the life you’ve created!

I think that so many people stay unhappy or don’t move on because just the pain of seeing the problem becomes so big that the realization alone overwhelms them. What you see seems bigger than anything else so taking all the tiny actions you as a person need to fix things just is too much. Where do you start attacking the problem?

That’s exactly where I am right now…

romantic allure of suicide

Death eventually comes for each and all of us. For some of us it will come peacefully in the night on a night so far into our days that once our family and friends hear of our passing they will comment on what a long life we lived. For others death will be the final gift from a debilitating disease that just wanted to keep on giving. Some will meet death unexpectedly through some unforeseen accident that takes their life before it was time. Death seems to operate on a schedule that he reveals to no one but then again there are those of us that cheat death the pleasure of pulling the life out of us by doing it on our own terms. For some people suicide is the only way out… (more…)

as man & woman

I never found one Disney princess I could relate to as a child. Not one. I didn’t play with dolls either. My childhood games were all imagination and heart. Theatrical works written one act at a time in which I always was my own hero. Then one day in the sixth grade I heard Karyn White sanging “Superwoman”. Yes! I said sanging…she was sanging the shit out of that song. While many of my girlfriends SANG that song most didn’t understand the meaning behind it. My mother was a Superwoman let down by her knight in shining armor. So, I felt it in my heart, I understood, I stopped where I was emotionally and I sang it loud… (more…)

a life worth living has never come easily to anyone

Today was definitely one of those days in which I kept taking two steps forward and one step back throughout the entire day. Although days like this result in an overall win while in the moment they feel really rough. While struggling with the moment sometimes I don’t even want to think about what lies ahead of me tomorrow.

I found myself chatting with a friend via text tonight about this very topic. We had to text because we both had so many things going at the time that it was the only possible way to hold a conversation. In that conversation she said that she didn’t know how I balanced being a mom with my other duties. She’s a married woman with no children yet and thought that my load was much heavier than hers. She revealed to me that she thought she would never be strong enough to be a mom because she could barely handle her current situation. (more…)

boys need their mother’s love!

I’ve been getting a lot of emails from readers asking for parenting advice and I honestly don’t feel it is my place to give anyone parenting advice. I’m a firm believer in not giving or taking too much advice about how to raise children, I actually covered that here. What I do feel comfortable with is sharing with y’all the lessons I’ve learned while raising my sons from the people in my life, my experiences and even my sons. It isn’t advice but I do hope that you get something from reading this post. ::gets to it:: (more…)

your child lives within your facade!

Many mothers who work very hard at giving their very best at work, to their children and the world around them often find themselves surrounded by a cloud of unhappiness they can’t shake. The source of this unhappiness is different for each woman that experiences it but most if not all will do everything in their power to hide the cloudiness from their children. Hiding our sadness from our children is something that us mothers think that we must do in order to raise happy children. (more…)

laughter – the world’s most powerful aphrodisiac

There is no defense or offense that will work when he or she can ALWAYS make you laugh.

I’m smiling but I’m NOT laughing!

Is the only defense answer I can muster in those moments when my best friend of the last thirteen years makes me laugh even when I don’t want to…even when I know he is laughing at me and not with me. Laughing at me? Yes. That’s when you know that it is love when your ego retracts and it allows you to let that guard down. All the way down and you can let go and laugh at yourself. He makes me laugh at myself. (more…)

grasping for straws – lessons from jupiter

If death is a wake up call for those that it leaves in it’s wake to live then what would repeated waves of death that surround you be considered? Ten years ago, as people I worked with and their children began to pass away in sets of threes I took notice yet it didn’t really cause me to act until my place of employment began to seem like the Grim Reaper’s favorite spot to shop for souls.

As death surrounded me at work my relationship with my mother hit an all time low, my country had been attacked by terrorists, paying bills plus my tuition started to become too much for my spouse and I to bare and I knew if I didn’t swim sideways this rip current would drown my future but I didn’t.

I continued to swim straight towards the shore thinking that if I swam harder I would break free and just as I reached the point of exhaustion I reached out looking for something to cling to that would help pull me back to shore… (more…)