the sweet spot…

Big heavy tears flowed down my face and no sound came out of my mouth but I could feel the cry at the core of my soul.

In a room of about twenty strangers, several colleagues and two very important people that I have looked up to for some time, it seemed like the wrong time for my emotions to completely escape my body. Crying silently and uncontrollably was not what I thought I would be doing in the moment that I realized that there was a sweet spot in the field of human sexuality that was meant just for me. It was so surreal that when I found myself in that moment all I could do was let go and cry and listen and accept the permission that these two experts were giving me to… just be myself and do things how they work for me.

As that day went on, I thought that maybe blogging regularly was not for me, that maybe writing erotica would take a backseat and that definitely I should keep the personal out of my writing as much as possible but then the truth of that moment revealed itself to me. I am able to reach those of you that I do because I lack the ability to hide my vulnerability and to me keeping my emotional journey private seems like lying to my readers.

So, here I am asking you to hopefully continue to love me as a woman, as a writer and as everything that I am as I grow and add new things to my journey. As I am finally able to say I no longer suffer from depression, I am now a happy purpose driven woman and I am ready to take my life and writing to new levels.

I have decided to reveal my in-the-very-near-future plans.

What’s next for me… 

In no particular order…

  • I am putting together a best of Sex Love Joy book together that will be available for free download.
  • I am publishing all the erotic stories that I haven’t ever put on the site plus previously published stories as an e-book available for sale.
  • I am going back to school full time.
  • I am letting go and going to stop homeschooling my sons. Very soon.
  • I will be doing a SARs training this year.
  • I will be helping more with SFSI.
  • I will be doing something extremely special with the domain but what I don’t know yet.
  • I will be finishing a non-fiction book that I will publish next Fall.

I did come through the other side of completely falling apart and now only the best in me is left to cultivate the woman that I am meant to be… for myself, for my children, for my partners, for my friends and for my readers.

Sunday, September 16, 2012 at 9:24 am PST was when I finally realized that I’ve always known my path, my vision was always clear but I didn’t know until that moment that all I needed was permission to act on it. My heart is extremely heavy in a great way in this moment as I type this because I realize that the date is almost exactly sixteen years since I tattooed Sex Love Joy on my skin, since I lost the daughter I always wanted and since my life began falling apart. Yes, it took me sixteen years to get out from the cloud of loss of self, sixteen years of falling apart, sixteen years of doubt to finally get to that sweet spot.

But after all the pain…

I stand here with a clear vision of what good sex love joy looks like and what is my place within the field of human sexuality and also the permission to fight with every breath it takes to claim my place and produce the work that will matter.

Thank you for being part of my journey. Thank you for reading about all the tough moments and I hope that you’ll continue to read the next chapters in my life.

I appreciate you! Dearly.

xo, Anaín

chicken shit woman. brave children.

I shouldn’t tell you this but I am a chicken shit woman. I am so scared of life. I am so extremely flawed and all those flaws usually stem from a fear that I can’t seem to be brave enough to conquer. I am a chicken shit woman but I have brave children. My awesome sons amaze me on the daily because they are so very brave and unlike me. I don’t have a clue why they lack fear when their mother is such a coward. I do know what it is like to live alongside three young boys that inspire me to believe in my own courage. (more…)

when an abortion happens in a good marriage

Six years ago I felt completely suffocated and restless. I had quit my job just a few short months earlier to stay at home with my two boys just until my oldest started Kindergarten then I’d go back to work to help pay for the degree I was finishing. My self-worth had been attached to my job. My self-worth had been attached to my title. My self-worth was not my own. In just a few months after quitting my job I found out that I was expecting another baby. I did not want another child. He did not want another child. We had not planned for another child and had taken the necessary precautions to not have anymore children by using condoms and birth control. We had other plans yet there we were expecting another baby and this time we knew that even if we weren’t ready we could not go through another abortion. (more…)

your child lives within your facade!

Many mothers who work very hard at giving their very best at work, to their children and the world around them often find themselves surrounded by a cloud of unhappiness they can’t shake. The source of this unhappiness is different for each woman that experiences it but most if not all will do everything in their power to hide the cloudiness from their children. Hiding our sadness from our children is something that us mothers think that we must do in order to raise happy children. (more…)

grasping for straws – lessons from jupiter

If death is a wake up call for those that it leaves in it’s wake to live then what would repeated waves of death that surround you be considered? Ten years ago, as people I worked with and their children began to pass away in sets of threes I took notice yet it didn’t really cause me to act until my place of employment began to seem like the Grim Reaper’s favorite spot to shop for souls.

As death surrounded me at work my relationship with my mother hit an all time low, my country had been attacked by terrorists, paying bills plus my tuition started to become too much for my spouse and I to bare and I knew if I didn’t swim sideways this rip current would drown my future but I didn’t.

I continued to swim straight towards the shore thinking that if I swam harder I would break free and just as I reached the point of exhaustion I reached out looking for something to cling to that would help pull me back to shore… (more…)

live boldly like a child

Somewhere along the path between when we wished upon a star and when we started making New Year’s resolutions we stopped living boldly like children do. Most children only know living through dreaming…no matter how great now is they still have a voice that tells them that tomorrow while be even better. Those children grow start living in the now and when that voice speaks it screams of the limits that tomorrow brings. Most adults only know living through limiting…no matter how great now is they still have a voice that cautions them that tomorrow is not promised and right now possibly is as good as it gets. (more…)

california…thanks for the memories! what’s next?

My mother keeps asking me when I’ll be home again to visit her because I haven’t been back in a much longer time than is acceptable to her. Mother will have to wait a long while because everything I love, except her and my Daddy, is here in this land called California. Never, not even once, when I was a young girl growing up in Fruity Acres did I think that I’d become a Cali Girl. My dreams didn’t reach that far. The furthest they dared dream was New York City, where all my dancer friends also wanted to live, but somehow I didn’t end up at Pace University and I found myself building a life in California…full of fornication. ::smiles wildly::<

My life has become entangled with this place they call California. My playground isn’t even that big of an area really because you won’t often find this girl too far south of Big Sur or north of the Nevada side of Lake Tahoe. In that small space of land I have memories that span back almost sixteen years…lovely, life shaping memories! I’ll be 34 in January…January 8 to be exact. Like most people before a new year and another birthday I am reflecting on where I’ve been and where I am going. Thinking back caused me to notice that much of my pain, happiness, my ups and downs as an adult happened here in my dear California.

In the coming weeks as MMX wraps up I’ll be sharing with y’all how this South Florida chica by way of Cuba became a totally brand new Cali Girl. It will all be totally out of order…never been one for telling it chronologically…would much rather hit y’all with the memories as they hit me. So, what’s to come?

  • Lake Tahoe…a spot associated with many of my beginnings…from marriage and conception to skiing and snowboarding to changing the path of my business and hopefully this summer mountain biking.
  • Napa and Lake Berryessa…finding the beauty, laughter and building friendships there before and after the death of my daughter. Can’t forget the tale about how I basically got two boyfriends to come with me to the lake…yes, together all three of us plus the friend who would be the Best Man at my wedding to one of the other two. ::wonders how a man hasn’t gone mad due to my madness and killed me yet::
  • San Francisco…probably the MOST beautiful big city in the world…at least to me! So, many stories to share about this place but I’ll be focusing on two: loving Jungle Fever and growing past being a cunt.
  • Monterrey…more reflection on loving Jungle Fever and sharing how it became a favorite family destination.
  • Travis Air Force Base…I could go on for years about this place but I’ll stick to just a few stories about some of the best fuckery provided by the most vivid characters from those years.
  • Discovery Bay…a beautiful place with a facade of utopia covering the real ugly…both within my home and outside.

These upcoming posts are my stroll down memory lane before turning right or left and you are welcome to come along. Like I said the posts will be random and there is no guarantee that I will even end up telling all those stories listed above because I often swerve. Look for the first installment this week.

In other news, I am going to kick this site in the teeth really hard. I have been thinking and pondering much of my purpose and all of that and beyond leading me to several choices. One of those choices is that YES, indeed will finally be born. It has taken me almost two years to accept that path but after reading all your emails, tweets, DMs, Facebook messages, texts and maybe a message or two via pigeon I realized that I shouldn’t fight what I am meant to do. The other major change which I am willing to share, at this time, is that this site will become strictly a place to house my writing…The Cocktales, my creative writing pieces and my online journal. A few friends have suggested that I write a memoir but I cannot stomach the ego that it takes to actually think that anyone would read such a book about me but I will keep sharing my memoirs as random journal posts here on the blog. There is a lot more to come…specifically…I’ll be spending much of MMXI writing the book I’ve started…a one hundred percent fictional novel about well what else other than…you’ll have to buy it and read it to find out. These FOUR in the morning wake ups have not been just for shits and giggles…just because I’m not blogging doesn’t mean I am not writing.

As always, I appreciate you reading and I hope you keep reading! The journey continues…

xo, Anaín

usually something has to give!

It’s Wednesday and although I planned to unveil one of those very hidden erotic stories today I find myself in a reflective mood with no desire to edit erotica. This week started like most others, Monday usually equals sending out client contracts, invoices and homework. Well, it started like that but by mid-afternoon I felt completely depressed, lost and disappointed with life and the state of this world. My precious Kindergartener, who by the way turns five this Friday, told me during our walk home that being brown made him sick. (more…)