Grab your coffee, tea or beverage of choice (yes alcohol is allowed) and let’s discuss marital sex, shall we?
My husband and I were sitting quietly together the other night. We were discussing our sexual life. Our sex life has not been the greatest over the past two plus years. It’s diminished significantly, and as we sat and discussed our sex life, or lack of one, we reviewed our entire sexual history together. What we found was that it had been a roller coaster almost the entire time we’ve been together. This was not a surprise to us. However, it did help us to put things into perspective.
We’ve been together just over eleven years, and married for the last ten of those years. Like most couples, when we were first together, we were like a couple of bunnies. We had sex constantly and truly, from the beginning, with the exception of the first time, we had amazing sexual chemistry. We fit together perfectly and always seemed to know just how to please each other. We got engaged after six months of dating and married the day before our one-year dating anniversary. We were both very close to age thirty at the time and wanted to have children. I already had a ten year old and let’s face it the clock was ticking, so we started trying for a baby immediately.
I am not like most women in regards to the topic of sex during or after pregnancy. Hell, I’m not like most women in regards to most topics, but that’s beside the point. In regards to sexual desire during or after pregnancy, I have none…plain and simple. We got married in October and by January, I was pregnant with our first child together. Almost immediately, I lost my sex drive. Naturally, my husband was a bit confused and concerned. I went from being very sexually responsive, initiating sex or responding to his advances regularly, to a complete cold fish. Most all women walk around while pregnant in a natural state of arousal. My lack of arousal, I believe, has something to do with too much progesterone in my system, but this is only a theory on my part. It was this way with all three of my pregnancies as well as while I was nursing. After that pregnancy, I mentioned things started to become “normal” again in our sex life when my son turned one.
I’m on a mission. I’m determined to find my G-spot. Let me tell you why:
I believe either I don’t have a G-spot or it’s broken.
I’ve talked with many of my friends about this, both men and women. The men feel that with the proper attention the G-spot can and will be found. The women that actually have found their G-spot and have experienced the earth shattering orgasms that are said to accompany stimulating this little area, have tried to explain to me where it is and how to find it. I have one friend that said, “You need to have someone, (meaning a woman) that knows where it is show you.” Then, “and it’s not going to be me.” Of course, I laughed quite hard and asked why not? Were we not close enough for her to stick her fingers inside my body and…? Ahem…well, you get the picture. “Fine, but I’m using gloves,” she replied.
Getting back to my original goal, I recently purchased a G-spot vibrator. It looked like it would do the trick. Rather than me try to describe it, here is a picture for you.
The Wireless Thumbs up G-spot Vibrator
Looks pretty good, right?
Needless to say, when my carefully packaged toy came in the mail, I was very excited to use it. And so, I did. Aaand…no dice. I didn’t feel anything except, of course, the vibration from the vibrator on my clitoris. On the inside, where I was supposed to feel the vibration on my G-spot? Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
Orgasms everybody enjoys having and giving them but for many women they are difficult to come by which can be frustrating to their partners that try so very hard to please them. Orgasms were something I never had any problem attaining before becoming a mother – with any man, in almost any position, at any time I knew what to do to get my orgasm.
I was the go-to friend for tips and tricks about orgasm. The first thing that I would tell my girlfriends was that they shouldn’t blame their lovers for not having orgasms because we as women were just as responsible for our orgasms as our partners. My girlfriends would usually sigh but sit and listen to all my advice about how to achieve orgasm. My favorite line was, “If you want to orgasm you need to be in charge of the fucking!” Most of my girls were embarrassed by that line but they always came back to thank me after my tricks and tips worked for them.
In my circle I was very proud to be the sexpert! Sex was my thing and I really enjoyed it to the fullest but after having my first son having orgasms during partner sex started to become an issue for me. It wasn’t a problem but there were moments that the rush of an upcoming orgasm would disappear a lot quicker than it had taken it to start. This issue would become a full blown problem by the time my last son was a few months old. I was frustrated because sex with my partner hardly ever resulted in orgasms anymore. It became tedious, mundane, repetitive and felt more like an obligation than a pleasure.
There is no such thing as a g-spot, that’s what the scientists have concluded after sixty years of research, using surveys, imaging scans and biopsies of women but they won’t definitively say that a g-spot can’t ever be discovered by future scientists. There is no such thing as a g-spot but in some women that have vaginal orgasms they found that the tissue in the area where the g-spot was thought to be is thicker as opposed to the women that aren’t vaginally orgasmic. Knowing everything that I do about the wonderful always giving clitoris I don’t doubt that what the scientists are now surmising is correct…
the G-spot is really just the extension of the clitoris
Just like a man’s penis has another inch or sometimes two buried in his pelvis that we can’t see they think that female clitoris might extend into the vaginal wall for some women. I’m so tempted to go off topic here to tell about the magical things you can do to that root of the penis but I will save that for another day. ::pushes dirty thoughts out mind::
Scientists have been coming and going (no pun intended) about whether the g-spot exists or not, whether the clitoris has a purpose or not, and about whether orgasm matters for women or not for a very many many years. While scientists continue to “research” we women have to remember that it wasn’t too long ago that “scientists” considered women with high libidos hysterics and women that couldn’t orgasm as frigid. So, what do I think of this research?
Before I start consuming new books in 2012, I wanted to make sure that I shared with you three very important lessons that I learned from three great books I read in 2011.
Lesson #1: It is never too late to get what you really really want from sex or life!
That subtitle perfectly describes exactly what this book is all about. Had this book been in my hands in 1994, the year in which I began to define my sexuality and what I wanted from sex, I am sure that it would not have taken me eighteen years of trial and error to get to the confident pleasurable place where I am now!
When I started reading this book, I was once again struggling with the terms of my relationship, my sexual desires and my career goals. It hurts when you aren’t sure what you really really want because you’re worrying about what others expect, want for you or will say about you! I think that it might hurt a little more when you know what you really really want for yourself but can’t verbalize it because of fear. I knew what I wanted before picking up this book but I still worried about *them* then early in this book I read….
“Don’t let the fear of “getting a reputation” of any kind hold you back from exploring your sexuality on your own terms, even if that means you’re not ready to explore it yet.”
This is a guest post by Clarisse Thorn. It was originally published at the girl-power site Off Our Chests.
* * *I CAN’T COME.
and it’s poisoned
I’ve ever had.
masturbating doesn’t work. I don’t know why. I tried therapy too, but my smart, understanding, sex-positive, open-hearted doctor couldn’t help. drugs while fucking? check. I date attentive men who only want to make me happy, but no matter how fantastic they make me feel, I can’t get off. and believe me, I like sex. I love sex! how can it feel so good and not end in an orgasm? I tried experimenting, and I sure do love the kink. it feels great. but doesn’t get me off. I’ve tried everything. everything.
now I have the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. but just like every other one, he can’t get me off. big dick? oral sex? tons of foreplay? kink? it’s all there. nothing works. I used to lie to my boyfriends and say it was ok that I couldn’t get off. then at least they could enjoy sex without feeling guilty. but then they’d stop trying, of course. and this one is still trying … sometimes. I mean, it’s clearly never going to work. so I can’t blame him for not having the same passion for trying as he used to. and I keep thinking I should back off. after all, why put pressure on him to “perform”? he’ll just resent me if I keep asking for more, even if I’m gentle about it and compliment him and all that. since nothing he does works. it will never work. (more…)
When I talk to my friends about their first sexual relationships some of them shudder then laugh. I’ve heard all sorts of stories from friends about why they had sex with the first few men. Their reasons range from wanting to lose their virginity and thinking it was the “next phase” of their relationships to wanting their boyfriends to love them and because they were afraid to lose the boyfriend they loved to another girl that would “put out”. Few of my friends have admitted that the reason why they had sex with the first few men in their lives was because they wanted to and they wanted to experience the pleasure of sex. I guess that from the beginning I didn’t think about sex like my girlfriends did. (more…)