Hello Beautiful One,
I have a confession…
This was supposed to be a great year yet it has been mostly anything but that. With a lump in my throat as I type, a lot of not knowing on my mind and tears flowing as rapidly as the anger that is racing through my veins my heart is screaming for everything to be okay. Life should be okay. No! Life should be great. Life should be great once you’ve beat the monster that chased you repeatedly. Life shouldn’t deliver another blow. But it has. This too I shall overcome or so I desperately hope.
For the last few months while working on my next project I’ve struggled with fatigue and abdominal pain. In last couple of months, I’ve been going through the long process of getting a diagnosis and treatment for whatever is causing these physical pains and fatigue that stole the first quarter of 2013 from me. During those months a lot of people noticed that I’ve been extremely and unusually silent, sheltered and what has seemed as stagnant. As the pain got more intense I feared the worst. As the pain got more intense I became as silent, sheltered and
stagnant still as possible so, that I could go within to prepare for the worst as I hoped for the best. I’ve slept more in the last few months than ever before in my life. When people started to question my silence, me sheltering myself away from others and my lack of progress with my work, at first I felt like maybe I had wasted a lot of time.
Emotionally healthy people know that no matter what you do with your time, Time will always be a thief.
As an emotionally healthy person I allowed myself to sleep, to be silent, to shelter myself with only the most caring family and friends and allowed myself to be still.
Stillness is not stagnation.
Stillness is healthy. Stillness is full of purpose. Stillness allows you to feel fully. Stillness is the calm before the storm, the battle, the growth, the triumph and the calm before the worst. It is in stillness that I’ve sat for the last few months. It was this stillness that showed me my emotional growth and health. I can finally see that regardless of what comes after this stillness I am more ready than ever to fight for a great life. It is because I sat in stillness with my fears and all of my emotions, that I can certainly say that no matter what comes after a diagnosis my spirit has already overcome. I have already beat the worst.
Life should have been so great once I beat the depression monster. It should have been but it hasn’t been. But because I did beat depression I know that I don’t have to put a smile on my face and pretend that I am okay. I don’t have to give give give to my friends and family. I don’t have to hide behind a facade as I am falling apart inside.
Because I did beat depression…
I can ask for help from my family and friends.
I can eloquently explain to my mother what kind of relationship I want and need from her.
I can be afraid of the not knowing without spiraling out of control into despair.
I can believe that the best is yet to come even if it means going through an extraordinary hell.
I can allow myself to sleep when I am extremely tired; even if it means putting all my work and dreams on pause.
I can say no! And it feels so damn good to say that word!
But most of all I can be as silent, as sheltered and as still as I need be.
And I can speak, be open and thrive as I am ready…
I am ready to face whatever this mass in my cervix is.
I am ready because if I beat depression, what can I not beat?
Swimming with Hope in an ocean of tears.