the sweet spot…

Big heavy tears flowed down my face and no sound came out of my mouth but I could feel the cry at the core of my soul.

In a room of about twenty strangers, several colleagues and two very important people that I have looked up to for some time, it seemed like the wrong time for my emotions to completely escape my body. Crying silently and uncontrollably was not what I thought I would be doing in the moment that I realized that there was a sweet spot in the field of human sexuality that was meant just for me. It was so surreal that when I found myself in that moment all I could do was let go and cry and listen and accept the permission that these two experts were giving me to… just be myself and do things how they work for me.

As that day went on, I thought that maybe blogging regularly was not for me, that maybe writing erotica would take a backseat and that definitely I should keep the personal out of my writing as much as possible but then the truth of that moment revealed itself to me. I am able to reach those of you that I do because I lack the ability to hide my vulnerability and to me keeping my emotional journey private seems like lying to my readers.

So, here I am asking you to hopefully continue to love me as a woman, as a writer and as everything that I am as I grow and add new things to my journey. As I am finally able to say I no longer suffer from depression, I am now a happy purpose driven woman and I am ready to take my life and writing to new levels.

I have decided to reveal my in-the-very-near-future plans.

What’s next for me… 

In no particular order…

  • I am putting together a best of Sex Love Joy book together that will be available for free download.
  • I am publishing all the erotic stories that I haven’t ever put on the site plus previously published stories as an e-book available for sale.
  • I am going back to school full time.
  • I am letting go and going to stop homeschooling my sons. Very soon.
  • I will be doing a SARs training this year.
  • I will be helping more with SFSI.
  • I will be doing something extremely special with the domain but what I don’t know yet.
  • I will be finishing a non-fiction book that I will publish next Fall.

I did come through the other side of completely falling apart and now only the best in me is left to cultivate the woman that I am meant to be… for myself, for my children, for my partners, for my friends and for my readers.

Sunday, September 16, 2012 at 9:24 am PST was when I finally realized that I’ve always known my path, my vision was always clear but I didn’t know until that moment that all I needed was permission to act on it. My heart is extremely heavy in a great way in this moment as I type this because I realize that the date is almost exactly sixteen years since I tattooed Sex Love Joy on my skin, since I lost the daughter I always wanted and since my life began falling apart. Yes, it took me sixteen years to get out from the cloud of loss of self, sixteen years of falling apart, sixteen years of doubt to finally get to that sweet spot.

But after all the pain…

I stand here with a clear vision of what good sex love joy looks like and what is my place within the field of human sexuality and also the permission to fight with every breath it takes to claim my place and produce the work that will matter.

Thank you for being part of my journey. Thank you for reading about all the tough moments and I hope that you’ll continue to read the next chapters in my life.

I appreciate you! Dearly.

xo, Anaín

comfort in sexual self-exploration

Push. Push. Push your limits. That’s what many that are writing about sexuality these days are saying. Transcend your sexual limitations! Really? What if you yet aren’t even comfortable with your sexuality. Shouldn’t the first goal of sexual self-exploration be figuring out how to navigate our sexuality? Shouldn’t we figure out our limits, our levels of comfort and define some goals before we do anything else? I am all for transcending limits but it is time we focus on our sexual truths before we get fancy with sexual exploring.

Me as a case study.

I absolutely made peace with my body. I often feel more comfortable naked than I do dressed. In certain outfits I might feel self-conscious in a room full of people. Naked in the center of a sex party that’s my environment! Just because I feel comfortable naked in a room full of people doesn’t mean that as someone that writes about sex I should stress to my readers that they should push their limits until they too feel comfortable socializing among other naked people at an orgy.

just sexual

*Warning this post is stream of consciousness and it has not been edited.

For over a year, I have been struggling with writing a post about my sexuality. Not that I am uncomfortable talking about what I do sexually. We know I am very comfortable with that, but I am extremely uncomfortable with labeling my sexuality! I am almost insecure about doing that. What if I don’t want to define myself with a label? What if none of the labels really seem to define what I am?

I know that I am not heterosexual – at least not all the time. I know that I am not bisexual – at least not all the time. Does that make me heteroflexible? I don’t like that label either. Too new age for me. Too flexible. Am I fluid? Yes. Is that a label? I don’t know. I am just sexual. I am capable of loving all sorts of people with all sorts of labels. I am not against having consensual sex with anyone that I am really attracted to that I find arousing – regardless of their label.

I am just sexual. I am very sexual. I am also pretty damn choosy. I just am not the person that fits into a label. Fuck those that want to label my sexuality! I guess my real problem is with gender because to define my sexuality I’d have to define the gender of those I am having sex with. What if my partner doesn’t want to define their gender?


peace & happenings

Peace is something that doesn’t usually last for very long for me but for some reason after all the sadness, disappointment, hurt and all the other shit that was September, I have been able to find a cozy cliff of peace filled with new happenings. I won’t say that everything is peachy but things are good. My heart is so at peace while I get to enjoy the many roles I fulfill (mother, teacher, friend, wife, lover, daughter and the list goes on). As I go about my days, I roam through the corridors of my own head more than ever before, unlocking the doors that I had locked long ago and discovering new doors some of which I have they keys to, others I have yet to find a way to unlock. Things are happening all around me – carefully, cautiously, slowly but at the same time quickly. (more…)

the mask of: perfectionism

I once was a very secure and extremely confident woman; that was when I worked in the operating room as a surgical technician. I knew my job and nobody could tell me otherwise because some of the hardest-to-work-with-couldn’t-tolerate-anyone surgeons requested me to be the one in on cases. I could go from working on the most urgent complicated abdominal aortic aneurysm to the simplest Urology case. People respected me but most importantly I respected myself. I was so secure in my abilities that I was pretty damn near perfect at my job.

I worked the shifts that many other people didn’t want or feared like overnight weekends. People didn’t want and feared the overnight weekend shifts because any case could walk in the door and there was nobody else in house to back you up. Technicians with less experience or those less secure about their skills would comment about how happy they were that I liked such a shitty shift because they no longer had to worry about it popping up on their schedules. Others would tell me that they didn’t like doing that shift because it always seemed like you had to make do forging through cases while the scheduled cases during regular hours were more ideal circumstances to operate under because everything you needed would be there. No making do. (more…)

i don’t want to talk. i just want to do.

Throughout my life I have had periods during which I have not only wanted but I have also needed to completely pull away from almost everyone in my life. Right now this need to free myself from other people includes distancing myself from my mother. I am not proud of the fact that for the last several weeks I haven’t kept in regular contact with my mother. I am also somewhat ashamed that I have not been keeping up with my closest friends either. I don’t want to talk to anyone really. It isn’t a personal thing. It isn’t them. It REALLY is me! It is really me in such a great way. (more…)

faking it until i make it

I don’t know if I will ever be one of those women that has it “all together” but I have decided that I am going to definitely fake it until I make it! I am going to pretend that I am already the ideal woman I want to be. Are you asking yourself if I have finally lost my mind…completely? I have definitely not lost my mind more than I already had. I might have actually found pieces of it that have been missing for some time. Now back to my theory of faking it… (more…)

i am not my hair

I might not be my hair but damn how I miss my long hair sometimes. What in the entire fuck was I thinking cutting off all my hair? Oh yeah, I was thinking fresh start. I was thinking new beginnings. I was thinking of becoming the woman I truly am…on the inside. There is something powerful about a woman defining her own beauty by going against what most think is beauty yet it is so easy to fall into the insecurity of not meeting that standard. It is especially easy to let insecurity takeover when not too long ago you were that standard! (more…)