how to be sexy in four easy steps

Last Wednesday, I shared a story with you and the Merriam-Webster definition of the word sexy, then I left you to ponder the question, “What makes you sexy?” If you missed that post you can read it here.

These days the word sexy describes everything and anything but for me sexy isn’t something that can be bought. Yes, the lust we feel for material things is real. Sure enough, I am extremely guilty of calling stilettos sexy when they trigger my lust or desire to possess, but high heels are not and cannot be sexy. You cannot buy the most expensive pair of stilettos and expect to be sexy. Those heels won’t make you sexy, even if you have the most ideal body wrapped in the most beautiful designer dress, and your hair, nails and everything is did.

You cannot purchase sexy!

That real sexy, that you and I want to always be is definitely not for sale. I’m sure you already knew this, especially if you are a person that is considered sexy by many or if you’ve spent a lot of time and money trying to become that sexy person in the room that awes everyone. The funniest thing is that at different points in your life, you’ve probably been both of these people. It is just like that because your sexy and my sexy is attached to variables.

The variables of sexy are:

  • your joy
  • your confidence
  • how awake your spirit is
  • your audience

If you want to be sexy, if you want to turn heads here is what you have to know, do and remember.

  • Create joy in your life. Every single day. Sexy people do things that bring them joy at least once a day. What brings you joy? Do that today. Anything else bring you joy? Do that tomorrow. Do what brings you joy often and you’ll become magnetic. If you don’t believe me then look around you and notice the people that are “chasing happiness” or talk about wanting to “be happy.” They aren’t very sexy people are they? Not that they might not be attractive looking people, it is just that desire without action can make the most attractive person very not sexy.
  • Confidence comes from action. Taking care of yourself, doing the things that bring you joy, accomplishing the things you thought you couldn’t, and even failing all build confidence. Doing all the things that you know are right for you, the things that feed your spirit and keep you healthy builds confidence. Your confidence grows with every action you take that comes from a place of self-love and self-care. Even when those actions fall short, doing something makes you feel a lot more confident than doing nothing and it awakens your spirit.
  • Your spirit shines when it is awake. The sexiest person in the room is the most awake person. The most awake person forgot about being happy a long time ago, they built confidence by doing what brought them joy and takes awesome care of themselves. The most awake person knows that knowledge is as powerful as action and they seek knowledge. They seek outer knowledge to improve themselves and they seek inner knowledge because an unexamined life is not worth living.  The most awake person has great boundaries because self-love and self-care mean that you know your worth; boundaries are the best way to make sure you are valued. The most awake person is happy to share joy, collaborate with others and helps others become awake. An awake person knows they aren’t alone; even the biggest hermits always have an audience of at least one.
  • You are your audience. You are always your company. Sometimes you are your own quiet company, at other times you are your best cheerleader and sometimes you can even be your worst critic. You are your audience everywhere you go. You know when you are walking through life asleep. You know when you aren’t taking care of yourself or being very loving to yourself. You know when your confidence plunders due to inaction and poor self-care. You know when you aren’t doing anything to cultivate joy in your life. So if you aren’t turning heads it is because you aren’t doing what your most important audience member needs to see you as sexy.

You are only as sexy as your actions.

That’s it. That’s all. Stop reading. Comments are closed. Go act sexy. Go!

xo, Anaín

hump day heat: just touch me

Do you ever feel too tired for sex? Do you ever feel like you aren’t connecting with your partner enough to follow through on sex?

Today’s hump day heat exercise might just be the cure for you.

Don’t think there isn’t a person around that doesn’t have stress in their life. This time of year it seems like all the stress of the festivities add up on top of our normal stress, then before we know it we are too tired for sex.

Sometimes the last thing I want to hear from my partner after a long day of meeting all my responsibilities, jumping over life’s hurdles and trying to find five minutes in my day to unwind – is a request to have sex. Often even on the days when I know that sex is totally what would hit the spot, allowing me to relax, feel fulfilled and fall asleep quickly, I can’t bring myself to initiate it.

Instead of trying to get yourselves in the mood, of fighting your lack of energy, of continually feeling like you and yours aren’t on the same wavelength, let it all go!

Yes, the problems, the resentment, the stress, how the kids didn’t appreciate that gourmet meal you made, the fact that your dog chewed up one of your favorite stilettos, but especially let go of any expectations for sex tonight.

I want you to get naked, get in bed and just share a session of sensual touch minus sexual expectations.

Take turns giving and receiving sensual touch. Cuddle for a couple of minutes before, after changing roles and at the end of the exercise. Thirty to forty-five minutes naked together sharing the experience of giving and receiving touch might just be exactly what y’all need to relax enough to add some much needed recharged arousal in your relationship.

 Just Touch Me Sensually Minus Sexual Expectations Exercise

You’ll need:

  • an open mind
  • your partner
  • less than 45 minutes of uninterrupted quiet time
  • your favorite private cuddling spot
  • plush warm blanket or two

The Actions…

  • Decide what order you’ll give and receive in.
  • Lovers fully undress then get into your private cozy cuddling spot. Yes, your bed works great!
  • Before starting cuddle for a minute or two.
  • Receiver you only have two responsibilities during this exercise receive touch and give your love mindful feedback about what you like or dislike about how they are touching you.
  • The giver goes towards the foot of the bed to initiate the touch process.
  • Giver it is your job to start touching (not massaging) your love’s front side from toe to head.
  • Giver once you’ve gotten to your love’s head have them turn on their stomach and touch their backside from head to toe.
  • Giver continue to touch your partner until you’ve spent at least ten minutes but no more than fifteen minutes touching them.
  • After the 10-15 minutes spoon your partner for 2-5 minutes.
  • Change roles and new giver repeats the giving sequence above, ending with another 2-5 minutes of cuddling/spooning.
  • If you both become aroused enough for sex and want to follow through that’s perfectly fine but it is totally okay if you don’t want to have sex or don’t become aroused.

Now go out there beautiful ones and do your homework!

And don’t forget to share it with your friends on Facebook/Twitter because honestly, who can’t use a little more sex, love, joy in their lives?

xo, Anaín

hump day heat: playing games

Do you like to play sex games with your lover?

Are you a toy enthusiast?

Want to step out of your everyday sex routine with your lover?

Well, here is a game you can play with your lover to spice things up…

  • Go into your toy arsenal and pull out several of your favorite sex toys, massage oils, and/or other essentials that you would like to incorporate into your lovemaking.
  • Arrange the chosen items out on the bed; try your best to make the display visually appealing.
  • Ask your partner to pick one of the toys from the available selections that they want you to use on them.
  • Ask your partner to pick one of the toys from the available selections that they want to use on you.
  • Repeat the last two steps until there are no objects left.
  • Pleasure your partner with one of the items they picked to be used on them.
  • Have your partner use one of the items they picked to be used on you to pleasure you.
  • Continue taking turns pleasuring one another until you’ve used all the items selected.
  • Enjoy all the sex, love and joy that this Hump Day Heat exercise brings you and yours!

xo, Anaín

Tainted Love by Abigail Ekue

I had sex with herpes. My apologies, I had sex with a man who has herpes. It wasn’t unlike any other sexual encounter I’ve had when you get right down to it. It was the first time I had sex with a man with that virus… knowingly.

Before the foreplay could even begin we had somethings to discuss. I had to know what activities were off-limits. Before I could allow him to “bury his face in my ass and pussy” I needed to know it was safe. I’ve never used a dental dam or other barrier while receiving oral sex so I guess I’ve never been totally “safe”. Perhaps late that Saturday night-early Sunday morning would be the first. He assured me it was okay, that his mouth was okay — his requests to make out made a lot more sense now. This was herpes of the genital variety we were facing.

We lost ourselves in the intensity of the moment and for a split second part of me thought of how natural it was. I know herpes isn’t a physical ailment but there was the irrational part of me that expected it to be different. Maybe if it were different, it would keep me aware of the virus, his virus.

We finished the first round with him behind me, promising he wouldn’t touch me “with it” while he jerked himself off and I looked over my shoulder to kiss him. Through the breaks between the kisses and the breaths he told me that kissing me was going to make him come faster. I ran my fingers through his hair and held him by the back of his head. He made a mess on his stomach and I turned over and began kissing and sucking his nipples.

About half an hour later, we were taken with the passion again. I initiated this round; straddling his waist, licking the back of his neck, sucking his ears and rubbing the length of his back, leaving a wet spot on his lower back when I got off of him. He knew I was ready and his fingers were between my legs again. It felt good to know my body wasn’t off-limits. We kissed and masturbated each other. Wash your hands if he comes. Remember to wash your hands. He shifted position and held his body over me. Not on top. He kept his hips a safe distance from mine. The kissing and groping was not making it any easier.

It was time.

“You wanna get a condom?” he asked. I laid there for a bit then propped myself up on my elbows. I didn’t even have to speak the question. He told me it was fine as long as we used a condom, that he wasn’t contagious that night. I must’ve made another face because he said we could look it up online. Yeah, we could look it up online and they’d tell me it was more likely for someone to pass on the virus during an outbreak or right after one while they’re still shedding but there’s always a chance to pass it on to someone else. “There’s no turning back,” I emphasized, “if I get it, that’s it, I fucking got that shit for life.” He nodded, said he understood and left me with my thoughts. I thought about my next visit to the doctor. I never turn down a full STD/STI screen — swab my pussy, swab my mouth, swab my ass — and I’ve had a clean track record. I can’t imagine if at my next one they tell me I have herpes. I’d be angry at him but more angry at myself. After a brief back and forth over morals and microbiology I got out the bed. His penis wasn’t getting softer and my pussy wasn’t getting drier.

Dorothy Zbornak said it about Stanley and it applies here: well, he’s really brought new meaning to the word solicitous. Once I allowed myself to relax certain he rolled the condom all the way down, I humped back. He pulled out then released. I remember thinking that was a very mature thing for him to do.

The timing seemed right that we’d see each other again. He brought it up. I was certainly game. In the days that followed I went through my box of tools and toys and found a stash of female condoms — sometimes he could wear one, sometimes I would wear one and non-lubricated condoms for times I wanted to “bless him”. Oral sex is a part of sex for me and I was determined to find a way to do it with him. I wanted to. The condoms I found didn’t have a taste. I’d hit the jackpot. I wasn’t so lucky with the female condoms. After much slipping and sliding I gave up and decided I’d try to insert one properly another time.

I was willing to have sex with him again. I wasn’t blinded by love or any similar emotion. I think it was the prospect of having sex. Before him I hadn’t had sex for 2 months. Before that it had been many more months. For a woman rapidly approaching her sexual peak, my sex life is non-existent. For a first-time hook-up, what we did was fun and pretty compatible. I’ve definitely questioned my motives for having sex with him. He’s sexy as fuck, a good age, healthy. Yet healthy comes with an asterisk. He revealed his health secret to me months prior. That night, he told me he’d only had “the conversation” three other times before me and it’s always tough. I felt for him. I feel for him. Part of me probably had sex with him because I felt he needed it. I could show him he was accepted, that he wasn’t a leper, that he was still desirable. I think I fell into the trap, the role of sexual healer with him that night.

When he first told me he had herpes he said he keeps his sex to a minimum because of it. He’s conscious of it and doesn’t want to put others at risk. It was obvious he doesn’t have sex a lot by the way he acted that night. It was obvious that he is a very sensual man. I can’t imagine living with the weight of possibly infecting someone with something incurable. After we finished and cleaned ourselves up, he held me by my shoulders, looked me in the eyes and told me I was fine and that he wouldn’t put me at risk. I flashed back to the moments before he made that declaration and recalled how careful he was with his hips; he went in deep keeping that centimeter or so of air between us. His virus is always weighing on him.

There’s a good chance that I won’t contract herpes from him… were I to see him again. If he weren’t the type to pull a disappearing act. I don’t trust that if I were to contract herpes from him that he would be there, if he would express remorse, if I would have his shoulder to cry on or be able to learn and compare notes with him on how to live with it. I’m pretty sure he’s not ready for the responsibility of giving the virus to someone. His anxiety that evening was certainly a result of thinking about that possibility and contending with the raging hormones. Next time, I’ll relax him with a massage instead of my pussy.

sex with others episode 2

Couldn’t watch Sex With Others live? Not a problem, you can watch the recording below.

Episode two was a great evening spent chatting about sexuality, art, sex-positivity and many other things with Midori and Vanessa L. Pinto.

Below the recording you’ll find short bios for our guests and more information about how to find them online.

Thanks for watching!

Midori, is a renowned sex educator, author, columnist, and artist. She’s the author of “The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage,” “Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink,” “Master Han’s Daughter,” and is one of the contributors of the forthcoming “Fifty Writers on Fifty Shades of Grey.” She travels the globe teaching classes like, “How to Eat a Peach: Pleasing Her,” “Joystick Secrets: How to Thrill a Man,” “50 Shades of Pleasures Revealed,” “Best Kink Advice Nobody Told Me,” “Mapping Your D/S Archetype: Towards Successful D/S M/S Relationships,” “Bedroom Body Moves: From Stripping to Seduction to Sex,” and many others. But her true passions are leading weekend intensives like ForteFemme and Rope Bondage Dojo and creating art.

You can I more information about Midori’s classes and events here. The best way to keep up with Midori’s work is by signing up for her monthly newsletter The SensuaList. You can also find Midori on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and Tumblr as PlanetMidori.

Vanessa L. Pinto, is a sex positive journalist based in San Francisco. She became widely known after she moved to San Francisco in 2009 to go to law school but instead took a left turn and turned into San Francisco’s sluttiest blogger. She decided to take a year of her life to indulge every passing fancy she had and she created a blog, Fleur De Lis SF: Whatever You Desire, to serve as her living journal. It was never supposed to go anywhere, but when it suddenly did she found herself writing for the SF Weekly, Huffington Post, Whore! Magazine and curating a Sexy Circus. Vanessa’s mission is to educate people on what a sex-positive community is.

You can find Vanessa L. Pinto’s pieces on SF Weekly, Huffington Post and her website.

xo, Anaín

truth. sexuality. sex-positive parenting. by Airial Clark

When I think about why I gravitated towards studying sexuality I think of wanting to get to the root of thing. It’s really about honesty. We live in society that makes it hard to be honest. When my sons were still babies, and I was still taking night classes at my local community college, I got a tattoo. I know, I know, everybody Gen X and younger has tattoos, so, no that’s not the exciting part. What was exciting for me is what the tattoo was of, I’ve got the word truth inscribed on my body directly above a double-headed ax. Classy, I know. How many moms have weapons permanently inked on their skin? Not enough, in my opinion. I got the ax of truth because I was 24 and just figuring out that I needed to be as honest as possible about my life, all the time, in order to be the best parent I could be. It didn’t matter if the boys were going to know what my truth was as long as I could be an excellent example of living it.

How often do sex and truth line up for us? How often do we make little sub-categories of truthiness to contain our sexual desires or behaviors? How much more pressure do we feel to hide our sexuality when it comes to our family members? It starts when we’re young; hiding ourselves from our parents. Then it continues when we become parents ourselves. And it’s not like I’m talking about people who commit sexual assault. I’m talking about just your average consent-based behaviors based on mutual desire. There is so much shame to be found in that space! It’s insane.

So how does breaking the cycle of shame and dishonesty relate to studying sexuality? How does it relate to being an honest parent? I have to walk my talk in order to have any credibility with my kids, I have to be transparent if I’m going to be an effective educator in the communities I engage with. The overall theme here is honesty. From honesty, came integrity. From integrity, came wisdom. And it’s all about sex for me. The power of being honest about our sexuality is so big we can measure it by the political platform of the GOP.

I’ve taught my kids that the only perversion that exists is lack of consent. That’s it and that’s enough. Everything else is gravy. Everything else can be sexy. Everything is butter sliding off a hot biscuit. Feel me? As I get older, the double-sided ax speaks more and more about my own sexuality. My favorite answer to all things sexuality has become “Both!” Men or women? Both! This partner or that partner? Both! Parent or lover? Both! It’s my truth and I wield it like a weapon.

One of our mentors, Susie Bright, was just interviewed at The and in it she said, “I think the best bisexual stories I read now are just honest deliverance, no agendas. They may not even use that word; they just tell the tale. Don’t try to win the community’s approval; it’s impossible.” My work isn’t about winning anyone’s approval’ it is about finding community. It’s about supporting other parents so they can be as honest as they want to be. It’s about getting to the root of what is undermining our authentic sexuality. I study sex because it’s a way to access people’s sexual reality. What are we really doing? How do we really feel? The only way to know is ask. So tell me, who are you asking?

how to get what you want in bed workshop

A week from today, Charlie Glickman and I will be teaching, “How to Get What You Want in Bed.”

The workshop is part of the pre-playa edition of Metta Dance at The Center SF. Tickets are $15 at the door.

Workshop description:

Do you ever feel stuck when you try to tell your partner what you want in bed? Are there things you want to try or changes you want to make in your relationship that you’re not sure how to talk about? When you can share your desires, needs, and concerns, getting what you want is much easier and sex educators Charlie Glickman and Lidia-Anain are here to help. Whatever your relationship structure, they have lots to offer. They’ll talk about some of the common hurdles we all face, offer plenty of tips for overcoming them, and give you some great new ways to make sure you get what you want!

Hope to see you there!

xo, Anaín

get into [SSEX BBOX]

SSEX BBOX is an internet documentary series about sexuality that reveals some of the various sides of sexuality in our days. SSEX BBOX is filmed in different societies and cities like SÃO PAULO, BARCELONA, BERLIN AND SAN FRANCISCO. If you’re the type that lives outside of the box or defines what sexuality and gender are for yourself then you’ll enjoy this project. Get into [SSEX BBOX] by clicking the links to watch the first five episodes via Vimeo.

[SSEX BBOX] Episode 1

Traversing what a sexually healed society would look like, we delve into a dynamic and edgy investigation of guilt; shame and the social norms inhibiting our sexual freedom.