Last month, I had the pleasure of attending a bondage dinner at the Supperclub with my friend Midori that was hosted by Sexploration with Monika.
Having Some Fun
Yes, dinner + a sexy show + conversation surrounded by beautiful people was everything this mommy needed to recharge after a long week of taking care of others!
What happened at this bondage dinner did not entirely stay there. Monika was podcasting the event, describing many of the delicious details, interviewing Midori about performance art, chatting it up with me about sex-positive parenting and interviewing performers Dorian Faust and Lady Samar. The podcast turned out to be an enticing recording that gives listeners a tiny glimpse into the erotic experience. Listen to it here.
Lady Samar, Sexploration with Monika, Midori
To optimize your listening pleasure click here to view all the photos from the bondage dinner while you are listening to the Sexploration with Monika podcast!
All photos from the event were shot by the very talented Julia O. Test.
If you haven’t been to one of Monika’s events at the Supperclub you definitely should make it a point to go because it is a sultry uninhibited environment that will tease out sensuality from even the most hesitant soul. You can find details events by clicking here.
When I think about why I gravitated towards studying sexuality I think of wanting to get to the root of thing. It’s really about honesty. We live in society that makes it hard to be honest. When my sons were still babies, and I was still taking night classes at my local community college, I got a tattoo. I know, I know, everybody Gen X and younger has tattoos, so, no that’s not the exciting part. What was exciting for me is what the tattoo was of, I’ve got the word truth inscribed on my body directly above a double-headed ax. Classy, I know. How many moms have weapons permanently inked on their skin? Not enough, in my opinion. I got the ax of truth because I was 24 and just figuring out that I needed to be as honest as possible about my life, all the time, in order to be the best parent I could be. It didn’t matter if the boys were going to know what my truth was as long as I could be an excellent example of living it.
How often do sex and truth line up for us? How often do we make little sub-categories of truthiness to contain our sexual desires or behaviors? How much more pressure do we feel to hide our sexuality when it comes to our family members? It starts when we’re young; hiding ourselves from our parents. Then it continues when we become parents ourselves. And it’s not like I’m talking about people who commit sexual assault. I’m talking about just your average consent-based behaviors based on mutual desire. There is so much shame to be found in that space! It’s insane.
So how does breaking the cycle of shame and dishonesty relate to studying sexuality? How does it relate to being an honest parent? I have to walk my talk in order to have any credibility with my kids, I have to be transparent if I’m going to be an effective educator in the communities I engage with. The overall theme here is honesty. From honesty, came integrity. From integrity, came wisdom. And it’s all about sex for me. The power of being honest about our sexuality is so big we can measure it by the political platform of the GOP.
I’ve taught my kids that the only perversion that exists is lack of consent. That’s it and that’s enough. Everything else is gravy. Everything else can be sexy. Everything is butter sliding off a hot biscuit. Feel me? As I get older, the double-sided ax speaks more and more about my own sexuality. My favorite answer to all things sexuality has become “Both!” Men or women? Both! This partner or that partner? Both! Parent or lover? Both! It’s my truth and I wield it like a weapon.
One of our mentors, Susie Bright, was just interviewed at The Examiner.com and in it she said, “I think the best bisexual stories I read now are just honest deliverance, no agendas. They may not even use that word; they just tell the tale. Don’t try to win the community’s approval; it’s impossible.” My work isn’t about winning anyone’s approval’ it is about finding community. It’s about supporting other parents so they can be as honest as they want to be. It’s about getting to the root of what is undermining our authentic sexuality. I study sex because it’s a way to access people’s sexual reality. What are we really doing? How do we really feel? The only way to know is ask. So tell me, who are you asking?
You know what’s been difficult for me when it comes to seeking out parenting resources? Believing that the person who wrote the book or the article or the blog post had me in mind while writing it. I want information and suggestions. I want expert opinions and well thought out guidelines. I want to commiserate and nod my head in agreement while reading. But are the things that make me different from those authorities and scholars insurmountable barriers to my accessing their suggestions about how to raise my children?
Sometimes it feels like it. Like I just know they’re not talking to me. I’ve felt like many parenting resources have a little invisible asterisk by the title: Does not apply to Queer parents, single parents, kinky parents, poor parents or sexually active women. Do I really want to read yet another parent how to book that assumes I’m straight, middle class and married? Do I have to ignore the lump in my throat when the baseline assumption in the article about time management and intimacy is that I wish I had more time to be alone with my husband? Not that there is anything wrong with that article, or having a husband, we’re just over-saturated with that perspective. The assumption that just because I had heterosexual sex at one point in my life means I’m heterosexual all the time is aggravating. The theory of sexual fluidity has existed for decades. It’s not new or shocking or trendy. It’s real. People’s sexuality shifts and changes, exists upon a continuum and spectrum of lived experiences and attractions, opportunities and challenges. We know this. So why does this understanding about sexuality suddenly come to an abrupt stop when it comes to parents?
Hello Sex Love Joy readers!
First off, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my little survey. I am honored to be a guest writer for Sex Love Joy and wanted to make sure my posts here are as useful to you as possible. Over the next few weeks I’ll be sharing my own stories with you as well as providing links to other resources that I can confidently recommend as sex-positive for parents.
I want to share with you a series of conversations that I had many years ago that set me on the path of becoming The Sex-Positive Parent. Like many women, I have embraced the feminist mantra that the personal is political. And our family ties, while deeply personal, can also be the microcosmic metaphor for the larger political context we find ourselves in.
My family tends to reproduce every 20 years. I was 21 when I gave birth to my first son, my father was 20 when I was born, my mother was 23, her mother was 20 when she had her and that mother’s mother was 21 when she became a mom as well. I’m definitely hoping to bump that age up by about 10 years with my own children, but for now, I have more examples of young parenting than I do anything else. Being only 20 years apart from my dad, and the fact that his mother was a primary caretaker in my life, meant that he and I had a different type of dynamic. He felt like an uncle more than a dad a lot of the time. So I know that the conversations my dad and I have aren’t conventional. I am his only child. We are very similar.
Children are a blessing that can renew our love for life and bring out the very best in us but damn it is hard work being a parent! Maintaining our sense of autonomy, remaining the sexual beings that created babies and leading our children towards making the right choices often can be a daunting juggling act which is why I am grateful when I find resources or people that can help me become a better parent.
Recently, I met, Airial Clark, a woman that not only is a great resource about all things sexuality but she’s also a sex positive parent that walks the walk too. She’s also not afraid of being vulnerable and sharing her struggles as well as her successes via the writings on her website which I can only describe as revealing eloquent prose.
Y’all know I wanted to pick her brain on the spot but because we were at a conference I had to contain my excitement at that moment. After seeing her again last weekend I read some more of her blog posts and decided to ask her to write a series of posts for Sex Love Joy and she said yes!
When I talk to my friends about their first sexual relationships some of them shudder then laugh. I’ve heard all sorts of stories from friends about why they had sex with the first few men. Their reasons range from wanting to lose their virginity and thinking it was the “next phase” of their relationships to wanting their boyfriends to love them and because they were afraid to lose the boyfriend they loved to another girl that would “put out”. Few of my friends have admitted that the reason why they had sex with the first few men in their lives was because they wanted to and they wanted to experience the pleasure of sex. I guess that from the beginning I didn’t think about sex like my girlfriends did. (more…)
As you likely know already, sex positivity is a concept that is embraced by many of us who advocate for gender and sexual equality. It basically means that we wish to create spaces in which people are free to conduct their sexual lives in the ways that they see fit without judgment. The fact that women are still subject to many sexual double standards and are victimized by a global rape culture makes the need for sex positivity a great one and your feminist friends out here are trying to make it a more pervasive concept. It’s no good if we’re the only ones buying in; sex positivity can’t simply exist in small, counter cultural pockets- it needs globalization. (more…)