Tainted Love by Abigail Ekue

I had sex with herpes. My apologies, I had sex with a man who has herpes. It wasn’t unlike any other sexual encounter I’ve had when you get right down to it. It was the first time I had sex with a man with that virus… knowingly.

Before the foreplay could even begin we had somethings to discuss. I had to know what activities were off-limits. Before I could allow him to “bury his face in my ass and pussy” I needed to know it was safe. I’ve never used a dental dam or other barrier while receiving oral sex so I guess I’ve never been totally “safe”. Perhaps late that Saturday night-early Sunday morning would be the first. He assured me it was okay, that his mouth was okay — his requests to make out made a lot more sense now. This was herpes of the genital variety we were facing.

We lost ourselves in the intensity of the moment and for a split second part of me thought of how natural it was. I know herpes isn’t a physical ailment but there was the irrational part of me that expected it to be different. Maybe if it were different, it would keep me aware of the virus, his virus.

We finished the first round with him behind me, promising he wouldn’t touch me “with it” while he jerked himself off and I looked over my shoulder to kiss him. Through the breaks between the kisses and the breaths he told me that kissing me was going to make him come faster. I ran my fingers through his hair and held him by the back of his head. He made a mess on his stomach and I turned over and began kissing and sucking his nipples.

About half an hour later, we were taken with the passion again. I initiated this round; straddling his waist, licking the back of his neck, sucking his ears and rubbing the length of his back, leaving a wet spot on his lower back when I got off of him. He knew I was ready and his fingers were between my legs again. It felt good to know my body wasn’t off-limits. We kissed and masturbated each other. Wash your hands if he comes. Remember to wash your hands. He shifted position and held his body over me. Not on top. He kept his hips a safe distance from mine. The kissing and groping was not making it any easier.

It was time.

“You wanna get a condom?” he asked. I laid there for a bit then propped myself up on my elbows. I didn’t even have to speak the question. He told me it was fine as long as we used a condom, that he wasn’t contagious that night. I must’ve made another face because he said we could look it up online. Yeah, we could look it up online and they’d tell me it was more likely for someone to pass on the virus during an outbreak or right after one while they’re still shedding but there’s always a chance to pass it on to someone else. “There’s no turning back,” I emphasized, “if I get it, that’s it, I fucking got that shit for life.” He nodded, said he understood and left me with my thoughts. I thought about my next visit to the doctor. I never turn down a full STD/STI screen — swab my pussy, swab my mouth, swab my ass — and I’ve had a clean track record. I can’t imagine if at my next one they tell me I have herpes. I’d be angry at him but more angry at myself. After a brief back and forth over morals and microbiology I got out the bed. His penis wasn’t getting softer and my pussy wasn’t getting drier.

Dorothy Zbornak said it about Stanley and it applies here: well, he’s really brought new meaning to the word solicitous. Once I allowed myself to relax certain he rolled the condom all the way down, I humped back. He pulled out then released. I remember thinking that was a very mature thing for him to do.

The timing seemed right that we’d see each other again. He brought it up. I was certainly game. In the days that followed I went through my box of tools and toys and found a stash of female condoms — sometimes he could wear one, sometimes I would wear one and non-lubricated condoms for times I wanted to “bless him”. Oral sex is a part of sex for me and I was determined to find a way to do it with him. I wanted to. The condoms I found didn’t have a taste. I’d hit the jackpot. I wasn’t so lucky with the female condoms. After much slipping and sliding I gave up and decided I’d try to insert one properly another time.

I was willing to have sex with him again. I wasn’t blinded by love or any similar emotion. I think it was the prospect of having sex. Before him I hadn’t had sex for 2 months. Before that it had been many more months. For a woman rapidly approaching her sexual peak, my sex life is non-existent. For a first-time hook-up, what we did was fun and pretty compatible. I’ve definitely questioned my motives for having sex with him. He’s sexy as fuck, a good age, healthy. Yet healthy comes with an asterisk. He revealed his health secret to me months prior. That night, he told me he’d only had “the conversation” three other times before me and it’s always tough. I felt for him. I feel for him. Part of me probably had sex with him because I felt he needed it. I could show him he was accepted, that he wasn’t a leper, that he was still desirable. I think I fell into the trap, the role of sexual healer with him that night.

When he first told me he had herpes he said he keeps his sex to a minimum because of it. He’s conscious of it and doesn’t want to put others at risk. It was obvious he doesn’t have sex a lot by the way he acted that night. It was obvious that he is a very sensual man. I can’t imagine living with the weight of possibly infecting someone with something incurable. After we finished and cleaned ourselves up, he held me by my shoulders, looked me in the eyes and told me I was fine and that he wouldn’t put me at risk. I flashed back to the moments before he made that declaration and recalled how careful he was with his hips; he went in deep keeping that centimeter or so of air between us. His virus is always weighing on him.

There’s a good chance that I won’t contract herpes from him… were I to see him again. If he weren’t the type to pull a disappearing act. I don’t trust that if I were to contract herpes from him that he would be there, if he would express remorse, if I would have his shoulder to cry on or be able to learn and compare notes with him on how to live with it. I’m pretty sure he’s not ready for the responsibility of giving the virus to someone. His anxiety that evening was certainly a result of thinking about that possibility and contending with the raging hormones. Next time, I’ll relax him with a massage instead of my pussy.

sex with others episode 2

Couldn’t watch Sex With Others live? Not a problem, you can watch the recording below.

Episode two was a great evening spent chatting about sexuality, art, sex-positivity and many other things with Midori and Vanessa L. Pinto.

Below the recording you’ll find short bios for our guests and more information about how to find them online.

Thanks for watching!

Midori, is a renowned sex educator, author, columnist, and artist. She’s the author of “The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage,” “Wild Side Sex: The Book of Kink,” “Master Han’s Daughter,” and is one of the contributors of the forthcoming “Fifty Writers on Fifty Shades of Grey.” She travels the globe teaching classes like, “How to Eat a Peach: Pleasing Her,” “Joystick Secrets: How to Thrill a Man,” “50 Shades of Pleasures Revealed,” “Best Kink Advice Nobody Told Me,” “Mapping Your D/S Archetype: Towards Successful D/S M/S Relationships,” “Bedroom Body Moves: From Stripping to Seduction to Sex,” and many others. But her true passions are leading weekend intensives like ForteFemme and Rope Bondage Dojo and creating art.

You can I more information about Midori’s classes and events here. The best way to keep up with Midori’s work is by signing up for her monthly newsletter The SensuaList. You can also find Midori on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and Tumblr as PlanetMidori.

Vanessa L. Pinto, is a sex positive journalist based in San Francisco. She became widely known after she moved to San Francisco in 2009 to go to law school but instead took a left turn and turned into San Francisco’s sluttiest blogger. She decided to take a year of her life to indulge every passing fancy she had and she created a blog, Fleur De Lis SF: Whatever You Desire, to serve as her living journal. It was never supposed to go anywhere, but when it suddenly did she found herself writing for the SF Weekly, Huffington Post, Whore! Magazine and curating a Sexy Circus. Vanessa’s mission is to educate people on what a sex-positive community is.

You can find Vanessa L. Pinto’s pieces on SF Weekly, Huffington Post and her website.

xo, Anaín

marilyn monroe on sexuality

Marilyn Monroe is someone that many find intriguing, including myself. She is loved for her beauty and sensuality. In this recording of her last interview she speaks about her feelings on being considered a sex symbol and shares her thoughts on sexuality.

There were a few things that she said that really stuck with me but what stuck most was this quote…

I think that sexuality is only attractive when it is natural and spontaneous, that is where a lot of them miss the boat.

Sexuality should always be natural and spontaneous and people do miss the boat when they try to force their sexuality. It doesn’t matter if you are forcing it into the closet or forcing to liberate sexuality that isn’t ready to blossom spontaneously.

I believe that, the best way to create that natural and spontaneous sexuality that is attractive is to let go of expectations and simply be sexual, with ourselves and with our partners without thinking about what sex should be or feel like.

xo, Anaín

how to get what you want in bed workshop

A week from today, Charlie Glickman and I will be teaching, “How to Get What You Want in Bed.”

The workshop is part of the pre-playa edition of Metta Dance at The Center SF. Tickets are $15 at the door.

Workshop description:

Do you ever feel stuck when you try to tell your partner what you want in bed? Are there things you want to try or changes you want to make in your relationship that you’re not sure how to talk about? When you can share your desires, needs, and concerns, getting what you want is much easier and sex educators Charlie Glickman and Lidia-Anain are here to help. Whatever your relationship structure, they have lots to offer. They’ll talk about some of the common hurdles we all face, offer plenty of tips for overcoming them, and give you some great new ways to make sure you get what you want!

Hope to see you there!

xo, Anaín

get into [SSEX BBOX]

SSEX BBOX is an internet documentary series about sexuality that reveals some of the various sides of sexuality in our days. SSEX BBOX is filmed in different societies and cities like SÃO PAULO, BARCELONA, BERLIN AND SAN FRANCISCO. If you’re the type that lives outside of the box or defines what sexuality and gender are for yourself then you’ll enjoy this project. Get into [SSEX BBOX] by clicking the links to watch the first five episodes via Vimeo.

[SSEX BBOX] Episode 1

Traversing what a sexually healed society would look like, we delve into a dynamic and edgy investigation of guilt; shame and the social norms inhibiting our sexual freedom.

sex with others – the beginning

It has been well over a year since the idea to start a live and interactive web show about sexuality, in which I sit down with other sex educators and smart perverts struck me. About a month ago I decided that this August no matter what I would launch this live show in one form or another. I set the date of the launch for end of August and hoped that it would come together. Well, did it ever come together just this Monday after having lunch with my dear friend Jamye Waxman.

Since we have been talking about doing something together almost since we met, I decided to ask her about how she felt about cohosting the live web show with me. Jamye loved the idea because it had crossed her mind to start something like it before. Instantly she said yes and on the spot we started planning it out. Sitting in her car before we both went to our respective after lunch meetings we set the date for the first show (August 15) and decided that we would name the show, “Sex With Others.” The next day we announced it to the world via Facebook and in less than thirty minutes our new Facebook page had over 100 likes. We later announced that we wanted to sit down to talk love, relationships and sex with other sex educators and smart perverts and we got several responses and private messages within minutes.

As we walked from Starbucks to her car planning the show Monday afternoon we agreed that this show was something that both of our readers, friends and colleagues would like and if done properly would be great, but we never expected there to be so much support and interest for it before our first show. Although we never expected we are extremely grateful for it. Thank you!

Sex With Others launches Wednesday, August 15 at 10 p.m. EST!

Will you be watching us chat love, relationships and sex with others?

That’s awesome!

Monday, Jamye and I will be putting more information on the Sex With Others Facebook page but for now please click here to RSVP for Wednesday’s show.

We welcome and would love your thoughts and opinions!

  • Yes! We want you to suggest show topics and/or pose questions you’d like us to tackle.
  • Yes! We want to know which sex educators and smart perverts you want us to have on the show.
  • Yes! We want you to join the conversation and ask us and our guests questions during the show.
  • Yes! We cannot create a great show without y’all so please do not be shy about sending us suggestions.

Are you as excited about Sex With Others as we are? Pun intended.

xo, Anaín

Enjoying Sex, Avoiding Shame

There are people that cannot enjoy their bodies or sexuality because they were raised to be ashamed of both; I am not one of these people. Since as far back as I can remember I knew that what my parents were teaching me about sex and sexuality was flawed therefore I rebelled against their standards.

My parents wanted to make sure that I remained a “good” girl that would be worthy of being chosen to be a wife. Both of my parents tried their very best to assure that I wouldn’t become one of those “loose” girls that had sex outside of marriage. Neither of my parents told me much about sex other than that I shouldn’t do it, that if I did do it that no man would marry me and that it was a dirty thing that I should save for the man that would become my husband.

Another Girl with My Husband? by Kaysee Smart

A Contemplation in the Bath…

An Amended Excerpt from Consensual Infidelity: The True Story of One Ordinary Couple’s Experiment with Swinging, by Kaysee Smart

After dropping the kids at their respective schools on Monday, I decide to take advantage of my two hours of solitude by climbing into my hot, deep bath filled with frothy bubbles. Ever since I was a kid, the bath has been my sanctuary. Peaceful and calming. I used to stay in it for so long that my mom would check on me, thinking I had fallen asleep and drowned. Closing my eyes, I slide down the back of the tub until my shoulders are submerged in the comforting cloak of steamy water.

I listen to the rain gently tapping on the outside of the steamy windows. My steamy bath is the place I can claim all to myself: no children or husband allowed. I can forget about my responsibilities and indulge myself for one hour, the period of time that the water stays hot.

As I pour lavender scented body gel on a bath sponge and start to soap my arms, I think of my friend Tiffany who religiously soaks in the bath every day, sometimes twice a day. While I blush to think of it, I allow myself to picture her nude in her bathtub, luxuriously stroking soap across her own shoulders. This picture gives me an idea.