Grab your coffee, tea or beverage of choice (yes alcohol is allowed) and let’s discuss marital sex, shall we?
My husband and I were sitting quietly together the other night. We were discussing our sexual life. Our sex life has not been the greatest over the past two plus years. It’s diminished significantly, and as we sat and discussed our sex life, or lack of one, we reviewed our entire sexual history together. What we found was that it had been a roller coaster almost the entire time we’ve been together. This was not a surprise to us. However, it did help us to put things into perspective.
We’ve been together just over eleven years, and married for the last ten of those years. Like most couples, when we were first together, we were like a couple of bunnies. We had sex constantly and truly, from the beginning, with the exception of the first time, we had amazing sexual chemistry. We fit together perfectly and always seemed to know just how to please each other. We got engaged after six months of dating and married the day before our one-year dating anniversary. We were both very close to age thirty at the time and wanted to have children. I already had a ten year old and let’s face it the clock was ticking, so we started trying for a baby immediately.
I am not like most women in regards to the topic of sex during or after pregnancy. Hell, I’m not like most women in regards to most topics, but that’s beside the point. In regards to sexual desire during or after pregnancy, I have none…plain and simple. We got married in October and by January, I was pregnant with our first child together. Almost immediately, I lost my sex drive. Naturally, my husband was a bit confused and concerned. I went from being very sexually responsive, initiating sex or responding to his advances regularly, to a complete cold fish. Most all women walk around while pregnant in a natural state of arousal. My lack of arousal, I believe, has something to do with too much progesterone in my system, but this is only a theory on my part. It was this way with all three of my pregnancies as well as while I was nursing. After that pregnancy, I mentioned things started to become “normal” again in our sex life when my son turned one.
Orgasms everybody enjoys having and giving them but for many women they are difficult to come by which can be frustrating to their partners that try so very hard to please them. Orgasms were something I never had any problem attaining before becoming a mother – with any man, in almost any position, at any time I knew what to do to get my orgasm.
I was the go-to friend for tips and tricks about orgasm. The first thing that I would tell my girlfriends was that they shouldn’t blame their lovers for not having orgasms because we as women were just as responsible for our orgasms as our partners. My girlfriends would usually sigh but sit and listen to all my advice about how to achieve orgasm. My favorite line was, “If you want to orgasm you need to be in charge of the fucking!” Most of my girls were embarrassed by that line but they always came back to thank me after my tricks and tips worked for them.
In my circle I was very proud to be the sexpert! Sex was my thing and I really enjoyed it to the fullest but after having my first son having orgasms during partner sex started to become an issue for me. It wasn’t a problem but there were moments that the rush of an upcoming orgasm would disappear a lot quicker than it had taken it to start. This issue would become a full blown problem by the time my last son was a few months old. I was frustrated because sex with my partner hardly ever resulted in orgasms anymore. It became tedious, mundane, repetitive and felt more like an obligation than a pleasure.
When in 1998 a handsome young man walked into my life, I instantly told myself don’t do anything stupid with him I had no idea that over 5,000 days later I would still find myself doing stupid things with him.
the first hundred years are the hardest.
A few years before meeting *him* while heading home from an Air Force physical at the Tri-Rail station in Miami I met an elderly couple. Both of them seemed to be fragile but vibrant. They sat close to one another and they laughed as they held hands. The husband helped his weaker wife get on the train. I looked at them lovingly thinking what was their secret to a successful long marriage. Young idealist me boldly decided to ask them their secret; assuming that they had always been together and that this was their first and only marriage. My assumption that I would never make today had been right they had been together for a long time.
This is how the conversation went…
Me: You two seem so very in love still. How long have you been together?
Him: We just celebrated our 75th anniversary last year. Our children threw us a great celebration for that.
The wife smiled and they held hands even tighter.
Me: That’s amazing! What’s your secret?
Him: We don’t have one but the first hundred years are the hardest. It gets easy after that.
He looked at his wife and she smiled at him. They both laughed. It seemed like his response to me had been their inside joke for a long time. She smiled at me and I am certain that although I was smiling I had a perplexed look on my face.
What follows is the transcript of my journal entry from December 31, 2010. I have not written in my journal since that day because instead I wrote here. I guess I am sharing it because it was this journal entry that gave me the strength to share more than I thought was possible with strangers.
I was very weak then but not so much these days. The power I have found in candor is endless and incredible. If it hurts my advice to you is write it down and let it go.
At 11:11 on 11/11/11, I sat in my bed, where I usually write, with a hot cup of coffee in my hands and I made a wish. It wasn’t just any wish either. I made the biggest most epic wish ever made and now I’m going to follow through with the biggest most epic actions so it does come true.
What did I wish for? Usually wishes, hopes and dreams are things that I keep a very tight hold of really deep inside. Usually, I am dying inside with my wish kicking around in there wanting to come out but it just stays a wish. Usually. (more…)
This January I wrote this piece as my way of venting but also stepping back from the situation I was experiencing. I wanted to ask myself if sex was more important to me than all the other things that my relationship offered. Sex and affection in general ARE very important to me. I know that my love language clearly is affection. I want to be touched, caressed, held, kissed, fondled, fucked, made love to and I also want the words of love that come with all that. I want to be thanked for my devotion, loyalty and hard work that I do within my relationship and for what I do for our children. I want him to do all this without me having to pout or for there to go days, weeks or months before we reconnect; sensually and sexually. (more…)
Had a poignant conversation today with a new friend that I trust very much. A new friend that trusts me too. We have been confiding all sorts of things. We started sharing our dreams for our careers and we’ve moved to talking about our childhoods and mothers. My friend is beautiful on the outside but especially on the inside. My friend is balanced. My friend is smart. My friend is ambitious. My friend has it together. My friend is absolutely going places. I wish I was more like her but I am so extremely happy for her because the last thing I want is company in my misery. My friend is the me I could have been had I sought therapy and made better choices. (more…)
Six years ago I felt completely suffocated and restless. I had quit my job just a few short months earlier to stay at home with my two boys just until my oldest started Kindergarten then I’d go back to work to help pay for the degree I was finishing. My self-worth had been attached to my job. My self-worth had been attached to my title. My self-worth was not my own. In just a few months after quitting my job I found out that I was expecting another baby. I did not want another child. He did not want another child. We had not planned for another child and had taken the necessary precautions to not have anymore children by using condoms and birth control. We had other plans yet there we were expecting another baby and this time we knew that even if we weren’t ready we could not go through another abortion. (more…)